A new mission

A shock, breaking my heart

I breathe in, and I say the news

And I knew he was in a better place,

And I even had a dream about it once

I need a way to spread the joy I found in our Friendship, yes with a capital "f"
The relationship was pure joy and deserved a capital letter

Everyone should be required to have  a "Gene " in their life.

I want to grab a pen and paper and scribble down anecdotes that I remember, and there were many

I want to sit at my computer for hours, finishing a novel, because he didn't

Don't label, Don't judge. If you are going to perform a task, act like it matters. Marvel. Be honest. Love. 

That was Gene.

Gifts

    In the interim between my internship and student teaching, about a semester's worth of time, I decided to go back to Stop and Shop, given that I needed money, and it was what I knew I could do. Sometimes I used to think about the fact that I had not "graduated" from Stop and Shop yet. Now I know better. If I had not returned to Stop and Shop in March of 2008, I would not have met  Gene at all. I wouldn't know that, while a person does not think I necessarily need to become a better person, I still would grow into a better person. Gene was out on Medical leave for about five months. I didn't want him to rush back if he was not ready, and I didn't think he would decide to come back. So, imagine my delight, when coming down the stairs I see one of my favorite people walking up the stairs to punch in. I screamed with joy and threw my arms around him, and he hugged me back. Normally, Gene and I didn't hug. We didn't need to. I believe I exclaimed "I didn't ever think that this would happen!"I was given another gift of a few more months of working with Gene. Now that he had been gone a while, I had time to compare the before with the after, and the relief I felt to work with him, not only because it was fun, but because when he was with me, I knew that he was okay, or at least okay enough to work.
  I am glad for God's gift of friendship between Gene and me, and the precious months that I worked with him when it would never happen again. Think of it, my friend. No more hospitals, no more struggle, no more sickness. I hope that wherever you are, you can see my trademark huge grin whenever you want to.
     It breaks my heart, but you have broken free of your life here on Earth. I love you.

Pain

        If I feel like I have lost my best friend, maybe I have. If I look sadder, I am. Gene was loved by everyone, and there were people that knew him in a different way than I did, but the way I knew him, I know few. Or shall I say the way he knew me. It's a balance of understanding pain and the importance of feeling whole, expecting the same but understanding the different. Few can do that, and I have recently realized a person has to be my friend to do so, must be close to me. Too far away and it is easy to count me out as a person who talks too much or is too sensitive, too close and the past clouds a person's view. Many people I have worked with have known me for twelve years or so, but they have formed their own opinion that I might not agree with. And so now as I start over, the store might as well be a new place, as I have lost an ally. I know everyone lost someone important and we are all grieving. I'm older now, with less patience for beating understanding into people. I might be told to move on. I might be told to do my job and I will, but with less enthusiasm. I just don't have it in me anymore.

My friend, the comedian

Many knew Gene as a kind, courteous individual with high expectations for how service should be. But I often saw a different, funny side of him. Once I asked him if he watched American Idol and he looked at me with a look of most disgust on his face.  Or our tendencies to speak in an British Accent to one another.  "Hellllooooooo" When I first met him, he bagged my groceries and at that time I bought a lot of Cheerios, say four large boxes and he said "Maybe you'll have enough for tomorrow." He was honest. He told me once, because he didn't know that I had been an employee of Stop & Shop previously, "I didn't know if you could handle it. but boy, you showed me." He sang along to songs on the muzak in the store, and was surprised when he asked me for lyrics, and I went home and printed them out.  The amusing thing was that the song he wanted lyrics to "If I were a boy" by Beyonce and also sung by Reba Mcintire. These are the memories I will treasure when thinking of Gene. I smile remarkably less now. I'm less sure of the fact that how hard I try makes a difference. Gene, thank you for reminding me of all that is good in life.

I love you, Friend

My dear friend Gene,
    One of the fondest memories I have is when you came back to work, and I didn't know it, and you surprised me and I exclaimed with glee. There is never enough time to love. I know you are not suffering anymore and for that I am grateful. I consider myself to be blessed to work with you for the better part of three years. I will need to dig deep to find courage, as you were one of a kind, and loved me whether I was loud or quiet, smiling or not.
I leave you with our quote
"Whenever you feel like criticizing someone, just remember all the people in this world have not had the advantages that you've had"- F Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby, Page 1.

Why it's not funny to joke about my intelligence

I can admit, with my boisterousness, harmless sarcastic humor, and easily identifiable weaknesses, I am an easy target for jokes. I'm all for humor, unless it happens to reflect every struggle I have ever had in my life. I understand the speaker was "joking," but has anyone ever felt that when a person using humor, blurs that line between funny and offensive, the speaker is really disguising how he or she feels about the person, or a belief they hold about the person?
       Someone quipped at work "If you have to ask me that question, I am surprised you have a degree."
Wow, really? You had to go there to that obvious, forbidden place? Let me tell you something. First of all, I am pretty sure, that due to the fact that you moan and complain when you are in pain, that if you were in my situation I know that you wouldn't have been able to achieve what I have. It took courage, will, and persistence, to work at stop and shop part time, having cerebral palsy and chronic pain issues. Standing up to questions of my intelligence exists as a routine exercise in my life. That's a low blow, especially since asking why my drawer at work had to be counted had really nothing to do with the fact that I have a degree, or more specific, I have two of them. Every day I have to work to put my smile on and walk out the door and be positive. Every day I struggle because things that are so easy for you are difficult for me.  I have to think about how I am getting places and who is bringing me where. I have to ask for help with things I don't want to and have to hear your snark about it. So do me a favor. Think of me not as a person of contradiction, think of me as a person of courage you wish you could have.