Instant: new life: Just add water(works)

      In the midst of transitioning workplaces, towns, and homes, it's different than I thought it would be. It turns out no matter how ready a person is to leave home, or transfer to a new store, no matter how one would think it would be an adventure, an exciting experience, moving has been a sad one for me,  not equaling instant happiness. I'm not surprised, but it was disappointing not to feel as if I love every minute of living here right away. Yes, I wanted this to happen and it had to, but even if I was not meant to live with my parents anymore because I was too old to live with them, I still wanted it to work out.  I aim to be outgoing and positive but it's difficult to adjust to new routines, new personalities, and new surroundings all at once, holding it together and then it just comes apart
        It doesn't make sense to anyone outside but does anyone ever see the work leading up the goal unless one is there with the person, really paying attention? Because on the inside, when I let go, and I want to go home, it makes sense to me. But to others it might seem like "What? What is she so upset about?" In reality, it takes all I can muster to work in a new place, with no familiar faces, new personalities that have established rapport and I am confident in my job but that's about it.  The time moves differently there, slow, steady, exhausting.  I go home to my apartment, into my room, and collapse on the bed with a sigh of relief. And I lay there kind of missing my family with my Dad's loud TV and my brother holding his cat like a newborn and my Mom typedy typing away at the desktop and asking me questions. I miss my dog thumping her tail on the wooden floor because I'm home, but being to lazy to actually come see me, unless of course I'm eating and then she's my best friend.  In the midst of all this emotion I might get a question about something that happened the other day when I really want to just be left alone because I miss my family and these questions reiterate the fact that I actually am living with people who have no idea who I am, and I have no idea who they are.
It's hard....but it's new. The good thing about that is, New things are hard, but hard things are not new for me.

Day two

1. SuperTy RIP Ty! I followed Ty's story for a few years after reading about him on AOL here Parentdish AOL- One mom's heartbreak This is so unfair that as I am creating my own life, his life on Earth ends. I have an issue also with articles that say someone "loses battle" with cancer. Ty fought. Ty clung to life for two years. He endured side effects, treatment for the side effects, pain, medication, and stroke. He loved his parents and his brother so much through all the pain and to say he lost a battle is just unfair. It wasn't just a battle, it was like he was battling his own personal apocalypse. My heart goes out to his family.
2. I realized moving was my only choice. As much as I was ready to start a new adventure, the hardest part was leaving my store and all the fine young people I work with. Working with college students means eventually they graduate, and move on. Eventually, I had to do that too, or my friends would graduate, transfer to other stores, or get other jobs. I became a constant in people's lives, a great part of the job, only I didn't believe anymore that my role in  life was to be the cheery cashier happy to be living with her parents no matter the age and happy at my job, because as people moved on, I wanted to move on. Staying meant not growing. The funny thing about positivity is that it runs out. When change must occur, there is no bright side to even the most mundane situation, so change becomes the birght side.
I could try to convince myself I was happy, or I could look at why I thought for some reason other people deserved good things more than I did, that I was meant to settle.
 And so I'm here now, and on day 2 it's going well. I can't jump right in to activities, but i have never been able to do that. I have to figure out the logistics first, at my own pace.


Rest in Peace, Ty. You didn't lose.

When? When you're ready, that's when.

Not before
Before, False starts may occur
Before, it's not time
There's too many considerations to be made
But when you're ready?
Everything falls into place
like never before
I didn't know life could work like this
Step one, step two step three
Forward, onward
I feel this is universal
that if something is not meant to be
It won't be
Something has to be done first
Lessons learned
Love to give
But when it's time?
the heart opens
lets experiences in
because you're ready