The Barriers

The greatest barrier I face in my job search may well be the fact that I already have been successfully employed for most of the past twelve years. I didn't really intend to be with the company that long, but bills need to be paid. Insurance needs to pay for physical therapy, or counseling, or whatever. And so then I become concerned with the day to day, the transportation getting to said job. After that, I figure I might as well enjoy my time at home before work so I read blogs and look at YOUTUBE, and chat with my sister.
Another barrier I face doesn't have a name. I don't know why it happens. When I become overwhelmed, my brain takes a break, and I zone out. Or sometimes I might seem reluctant to join in on a project, because I don't just jump right in. Something stops me from doing so. It's almost as if with other people, I don't feel as if I have enough "room" to think and formulate my thoughts, so I tend to just let other people take over. I'm not really sure what role to play in a project unless it is spelled out for me. (There are some reality shows where I'd never make it). These issues have made up a huge wall in my life that I cannot get past. I prefer written communication to any other form, because I can go back and delete what I don't want to say, and take time to phrase things as I like.
Has this ever happened to anybody else?
You make a statement
The receiver either makes a complete joke about the statement and starts loudly laughing HAHAHAHAHA
until you just say forget it.
Or, even worse, maybe, is perhaps when one asks a question and is greeted, without finishing a sentence, with some philosophical paragraph about how life is or what one needs to do, but this lecture wasn't even necessary, because the person wasn't assuming anything, she just wanted an answer to the question.
Or how about when a person says he or she will be available for you, but then doesn't deliver, and then lectures about how busy he or she is, and how I have to do things differently, etc.
Ok, no need for a lecture, it's just that you said you were going to do it, and if you can't that's fine, but turning it into a lesson of some sort really isn't necessary.

It's CP Awareness Month!

Cerebral Palsy is a tricky condition. Living with cerebral palsy is a highly personal, individualized experience. It's not really a condition at all as much as it is a descriptor "Something happened in the brain that affects my motor function." As I get older, I realize I might have to do things differently. Maybe I can't work full-time. Maybe I will be able to drive one day, maybe not. I don't know if I am like everyone else. I know I have always felt different, not only because of how cerebral palsy affects my life, but also the fact that I have a huge family, I'm one of the only females in my family, I have anxiety and mental health issues that some people think I made up or am being dramatic about. As much as people will try to tell me I'm just like everyone else, I know that I'm not. I'm just myself.
When I was younger, I had more "mojo" to prove people wrong. I had more strength to overcome obstacles and challenge myself. Now, sometimes I just want something to be easy, or I avoid tasks or situations I don't like. Awareness of CP became apparent as I was older; it's there and it's not leaving, and I understand more than ever what this means for me. I pray with thanks every day for the independence I have, however, sometimes I do wish things were different if only I could fit in more. I wish that I wasn't so afraid that people wouldn't give me a chance. I wish family and friends that I may call to explain my situation wouldn't just explain the "other person's view." Because I understand the other person's view. I understand how life is, how life can be, I get it. Life has been beating me upside the head about how life could be (And I'm talking all of it, joy, sadness, pain, accomplishment, disappointment) for the last twenty-nine years.
I try. I make mistakes. I smile. I cry. I feel awesome. I feel uncool. I get frustrated.
I'm authentic.
I'm aware of how cerebral palsy affects me and how other's situations in life affect them.
I get it.
I'm aware.

Being Me in a World that might insist I change

I wish I were different, a different type of person sometimes. However, I know now, that growing a thick skin, becoming less sensitive, or toughening up just won't happen. It's not meant to be. I would love to be that person who is businesslike, a chameleon changing to fit every situation, adapting to my environment. The older I get, however, the more I see that for better or worse, this is the person I am, and was meant to be.
Life and the world today astonishes me. I see pain around me. I see sickness and depression and I learned of a suicide recently. And I feel the pain of others, I am aware of it; almost as if it permeates my existence. And so then I have to balance finding that "reality check" and still deal with the issues of my own life.
I see the world differently than most people, as a result, I my perceptions are often translated into "what I thought happened versus what, in reality happened." And so maybe for most people that is what their reality is. But I don't know, I've only been myself. I've never not had cerebral palsy, I've never not been sensitive.
So what I'm saying is, as much as I would like to just be able to put on a business suit and adopt a tough exterior, or deal with life with a straight face, without emoting, this is who I am. I can't fight it anymore. I have to accept all of myself, because I don't think you can have the Melissa that is stoic and still have the Melissa that helps and is willing to learn about people. I can't keep working agianst who I was meant to be. Kind of like how sometimes I want my positivity of ten years ago and my exercise habits of four years ago, and to never use the walker again. But I can't have it all and be truly me.