I couldn't tell you then

I couldn't tell you then, Gramma
Because you were finally resting
I couldn't bring myself to disturb you
I hope I told you enough how much I loved you all the time
That I saw you enough even though it was never as much as I wanted to.
I didn't get to say "Thanks" for all the love you gave me even though you knew it anyway
and now in my life where you were, there's a hole
I wanted you to be a part of everything
Because you were
You were there for everything
and most importantly you wanted me to have everything I deserve, no matter what it was
I couldn't say it all then and I didn't get to say Good-bye.
It's important for everyone to have a space in their life free of judgement, questions or suggestions.
I'm sure you had some, but the last few years when it was important for me
You didn't.
I'm not saying that no one loves me, I'm not saying that I didn't have support except from you what I am saying is our very unique relationship has changed. That loss, is real.

Almost three months in......

       I think there should be an elimination of the expectation of feelings. I have a mild disability so I should be grateful that I can do so much, grateful that I can work so many  hours because people would love to work that many hours. Except, if I am "just like every one else?" I have feelings, I feel pain, I get annoyed and frustrated. I feel these feelings not because I am ungrateful or lack perspective, but because I am a person.
       All my life I have been told about the importance of gratitude, the importance of positivity, of hard work. However, that is not the whole story. These values are not cure-alls. I am grateful for my abilities as a thinker and writer, and I am optimistic and positive, but pain still hurts. I don't know if I am where I should be at age almost thirty, I don't know if emotionally I am as mature as I should be, but I have to start now in the present. Right here, no matter if most people my age are married and have children, if I am supposed to be "over" the fact that I have a disability by now, If I should have looked harder for a new job, is where I need to start for any change to occur. I cannot change the decisions I made in the past and I have punished myself emotionally enough. (Could I have tried harder? Should have never done that....) No use in labeling myself as "delayed" before I even start a goal.
         Whatever I feel I have to deal with it, no matter what anyone else thinks. I have to be myself. Because my view counts, too, even if I have been told all my life that I was "too sensitive." My life has shaped my perception; my large family, my medical history, emotional struggles, my failings, and even the perception that my view is "wrong" influence how I process information.  Knowing how people perceive me, I'm not shocked when I am underestimated or misunderstood, but no longer do I rush to "make" people understand. Because certain aspects about life cannot be taught; certain lessons must be felt, and one perhaps will not  think look beyond their own experience in life to  see beyond my scanning speed or the fact that I resemble a human  tornado behind the register.  How hard can it be to be fast and neat right? Apparently difficult, because as long as I have been with the company I have struggled. , so I focus on my friendly personality and thorough attention to my job. And maybe I shouldn't feel alone when the tornado in me is shining through, but sometimes I do. But I have to be honest with myself about my feelings.
     I don't know if my skin is thick or thin but all I know is it's the only one I will ever have.