Power

Sometimes in life

we look back and think of times when some aspects were better

Oh back in college when I walked by myself everywhere

and long to go back there

When I try to travel back there it's like there's a power line down on that road,not possible

I could investigate this and say is it CP or is it anxiety?

But then something hit me: I don't have to even care anymore

Because my life isn't about walking, not anymore at least

I have the power to make my life the way I want it to be

Even if I often don't think that I do

I don't have to investigate and come to a conclusion to shut the door on the great walker usage debate

I can just reach over and close it myself

Working through to find my path

Six years ago tomorrow, I earned my BA in social work. I started thinking about how quickly time moves, and felt sad that I don't see my college classmates anymore save for when they come grocery shopping. I could dwell on my underemployment or compare myself to peers, but I don't

Last year on Facebook one of my best work friends posted an answer to a random question about me. It was "If they made a movie about Melissa, what would it be called?"
He answered "the girl that can't be stopped." I printed out that quote, I put it on my wall and when I moved I made sure I had it with me. Life is hard, for everyone, even a smiley Nike(tm)wearing optimist like me. When I graduated college, I didn't know what came next. I was overwhelmed. Now, though, even though I have not yet secured a paid social work position, I realized what my friend's quote meant. What is unstoppable is not my body, but my spirit. Still working at Stop and shop? No big deal, get through it! Make the best of it. I get up every day and I try to make it a good day.

But sometimes, because life is hard, and life carves out a path for us that is unknown in purpose and not chosen for ourselves, and so I do have a bad day. But I am learning how to feel. II've felt for years that I was running, at break-neck speed away from something. Even when talking to professionals I would avoid this issue, not really knowing what issue it was. I am finally staring at my struggle of self-worth in the face, after years of on one hand telling people my life was beautiful and on the other, hiding emotional pain I felt, how I felt at times alone, unable to express my frustration and sadness when I look back and think "I never rode a bike. Maybe I could have but I didn't because I didn't try hard enough." Now, I know I am no worse for wear seeing that I haven't ridden a bike, It's not a be all, end all life experience, but I file it under "Would have been nice." I didn't tell anyone that not driving bothered me, that I longed to be fast and neat and organized, all areas in need of work in my life, because I thought I was supposed to be"Over that". But I learned in some ways, getting over hard times completely represents an unfair expectation. Some things, like difficulties that will always be with me, aren't "Gotten over" but "worked through."

Life

I know everyone is different, but there are little differences about me that have changed my life experience.

I can't wear cute flats; they won't stay on my feet.

But out of necessity, I'm comfortable with who I am

I don't know why but in anything other than an athletic or plain T shirt I feel a need to change my clothes.

I don't feel comfortable expressing when I am in a lot of pain

But at least I know when I can't push myself anymore

As in, it's not possible

I have trouble using my hands sometimes

But it doesn't look like there is anything "wrong" with them, so I have to explain to others, at work, at a medical appointment, why it's hard.

Lame things hurt..

Like counting money for a long time (Think a lot of singles)

Or when the paper bags at work are sticking out from the shelf and poking me in the hip where I have had four surgeries.

Sometimes it seems like I am just complaining, but in reality I'm in pain and asking for help.

CP is a lot.......these little things add up to a lot and the pressure to stay positive can bear down on me.

Because I like to think of it as no big deal, I'm used to it.

Some days though I want to be able to have more endurance, to wear the cute shoes, to not be in pain over lame things or not have to express my pain at all as opposed to wanting pain to be understood.

At least I give life my best

Confession: I read too much

I read a lot. Probably too much, especially with apps like Kindle and ibooks for ipad. I don't even have to go anywhere! Order with one click? Sure!

A Sampling of what I have been reading

How to be a sister: A love story with a twist of Autism By Eileen Garvin (Hilarious! Tears rolling down my face!)

A dog named Slugger By Leigh Brill (Want to read a book about someone similar to me, except I never worked a service dog? Her attitudes concerning CP are similar.

Retail Hell: How I sold my soul to the store confessions of a tortured sales associate By Freeman Hall (Pretty much like grocery store customers, except upscale)

Up from the blue by Susan Henderson (Sometimes I read fiction with sad themes)

You don't look like anyone I know By Heather Sellers (Read about it in a magazine.)

Sing you home By Jodi Picoult ( I read Jodi every year)

As far as the siting goes, in college I was taught to only capitalize the first word in a title, and by the way I don't necessarily favor amazon, but it was easy to link the books that way.

Small steps

I have a tendency to want everything all at once. For example, I want to be more social and have a better job and move out on my own, and I would like it tomorrow. But changing your life takes smaller steps. I recently found out that going to bed earlier and waking up earlier changes my whole outlook of the day. I feel more awake and that before work I am able to accomplish more. This will lead to more job searching online, and more time spent writing, leading to perhaps a contest entry or two. I want my life to change dramatically, but first I have to start out small.