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In all life's changes these past five months I have learned my deepest fear, or anxiety: That no matter how hard I try, I will look to others as a complete mess and unable to hold it together. I judge myself as someone who should "do a better job" of whatever it is I'm doing, although I withhold judgement of others.  Rather than sizing people up, I notice detail, but experience the person without analyzing appearance or drawing conclusions based on what I know after five minutes.
      However, I do not grant myself the same compassion.  My nervous system is hard-wired to keep up with others, to meet the standard set by the able-bodied population, even if there isn't a standard and it's all in my head.
       Difficulties don't disappear just because one ages  A  miracle pill or cream is available via infomercial for almost every ailment.  The truth is certain issues do not respond to any quick fix; learning differences cannot be eradicated completely. No matter how many stretches performed, extremities corrected, or skills practiced, I will have cerebral palsy. I could study tactics to tackle non-verbal learning differences, but the differences will not disappear.  I must work around these issues.
      How does this relate to my deepest anxiety that I fight against? Because perhaps on the outside I am holding it all together, I'm not failing. Even if all of my files are not alphabetized, my thoughts are scattered, and I get confused. I'm trying. The problem is, I don't want to. I would rather not be confused, but I'm human. Cerebral palsy and non verbal learning differences were not consequences of my choices; I didn't get to say "No thank you." I choose my attitude, however, and I also need to choose to treat myself better. Positivity helps, but realism works even better. I look at my family, my intelligence, my sense of humor. Yet I also have to give myself permission to say "Well isn't this inconvenient! This really frustrates me!" at times. If I am in pain, perspective helps a little bit to say "This isn't a terminal thing" or "I've been through worse" But sometimes, when it's been a few days, and I really feel the pain with every movement of my arm, even after heat or cold packs or Ibuprofen, I just want to use my arm, please.

      From here on in, I'm  celebrating myself and eradicating negativity.  I can be real about my weaknesses and limitations and admit them, but what about all the awesomeness? Sure, I've struggled in life, but my strong sense of character helped me to earn two degrees, deal with the public, encourage people, share my well-loved poetry, and learn to walk about four times. (What do you mean you have to bend your knees to walk? Really? Is that a must?)  I've stayed strong despite people doubting me. I've kept going. 
   If I stop thinking about how I am not enough, I will actually be able to improve my life and have enough of whatever it is I want, that is if I lack it in the first place.