New hope

This new hope has nothing to do with cerebral palsy at all, but rather, something more exiting! I am getting my braces off in a few months! I have had braces for almost three years now, and let me tell you, good thing I didn't know about it beforehand because I am not sure I would have done it. It's more painful than I thought and because of the pain, it was hard to focus on the big picture. Suddenly I see the end of this journey and it has been hard work with the powerchains breaking, the appointments, the brushing, the stubbornness of my teeth. I used to actually practice closing my mouth the "right" way so that my bite would be correct. I had this stuff in my mouth called "build up" to help me align my upper and lower jaw, which afterwards made it hard to talk. I am glad for this phase in my life to be over, and to be able to move forward!

Intense moments of truth

As I aged, I found hiding my feelings proved more difficult. For example, all my life, a rule governed my life. Don't feel upset when you fall down, laugh at yourself, it's not a big deal. I struggled with it. Sometimes, I can joke about it. But recently, last Thursday, I was in a hurry to see a favorite college basketball player get drafted, and I don't know what happened, but suddenly I was on the floor, I hit my mouth on my arm as I went down, and the floor is tile, unforgiving. My braces collided with my lip and I knew I was bleeding. I got up and took care of business, and all I felt was pain, embarrassment. Laughing about it was not even possible, because the pain was intense. Sometimes the fact that I have cerebral palsy and I fall because I forget to think about movement is right in front of my face. And it's upsetting not only for me, but for my parents, always quick to suggest solutions, only after I fall I am not receptive to suggestions.

I'm just thinking things like: Crap! I have CP!

I can't believe that just happened!

I am so angry!

Can we just forget this ever happened?

Man that hurt!

Did I lose a tooth?

I don't even know how it happened!

One thought after another, with no spaces or punctuation.

But being honest about how you feel is being who you are.

And I can only be me

My family

My Stick Family from WiddlyTinks.com
* This graphic represents who I live with right now, my actual family is quite big.

A simple mini guide to life

1. I think that if a friend is going through hell you have two choices.
a. Convince them that they are only in "heck" or my favorite,
b. Grab a fire extinguisher or a hose

2. My dream is that at work, nobody would realize whether I was standing or sitting. I would just be a person working. Nobody would make a joke or ask a question.

Treatment, by others not doctors

I was asked if I struggled between being treated like everyone else, and being treated "special." I can't say I agree that it's that simple. I want to be treated like who I am and how I treat other people. For example, if someone treats me poorly, but they treat everyone that way, I still would take offense because it's not right to treat anyone that way.

Sometimes I am sensitive because of who I am, because that's who I was meant to be, and not because I have cerebral palsy. And I don't think, I can double check this but I am not sure that being sensitive is a crime. I guess it depends on the definition of "same." Treat me as a respectful, educated individual that has insights others might not? Sure. But treating me as if cerebral palsy isn't there? As if I am an average person with average experiences? I'm not sure I want that because that's not who I am. I don't like people asking why I'm sitting down at work, and I'm not sure why, I just don't like it, and that might well be just a preference, not CP related. Life is tricky. Sometimes I don't feel better when I hear people say "It could be worse." Life is not straight forward like that.

Take notes, Here's some critical stuff

In life, in an effort to be unselfish, to avoid being selfish, I have a tendency to want more for other people than I do for myself. In theory, it sounds wonderful, but in practice, it's not the best method. What I mean is, I wish success on other people, I make decisions that are best for others rather than myself, and that is not acceptable behavior. Wanting for others isn't a bad thing, but risking your health, emotionally, bodily, or financially is never a good idea. Ever.

In life, in an effort to be laid back, I tend to want to let things slide. But sometimes, standing up for yourself is important, even if the incident was not what others would call in the scheme of things, "a big deal. Standing up for yourself draws a line that says "I won't be treated this way."

I ask myself a question. "Do I want to go down like that?" Meaning, known as a person that doesn't care how she is treated? No. So sometimes I have to say "No, that joke is not funny." Or "I understand your point but there is no need to suddenly treat me as if I don't matter as a person." To that last point, I don't know where this comes from, but I must have this vibe about me that says "I don't understand anything, so feel free to just yell at me if you are having a bad day." I understand what it feels like to have a bad day, I have had plenty. But is that an excuse to just blow steam off at the nearest bystander that is simply asking you a question? No.

The most important point is last. We only have a certain amount of time here on Earth, and we have to take what we are given and live the best life we can. To make our life the best we have to make good decisions for ourselves, defending ourselves when need be.