I'm in the grey, and that's okay, it's just hard sometimes

I can walk but not till age six
I had surgeries that tried to fix
my feet with limited success
I'm only understood by those I let know me best
I work shifts that seem like a breeze
But maintaining a joyful attitude does not come with ease
When I'm tired and my break's late and it's not my turn
Fairness is not my body's main concern
It's screaming to sit down or have a snack
I can't block it out or argue back
I get what it looks like that I don't understand
that they have to deal with what the managers demand
I hesitate to tell anyone how I feel the next day
when I overdo it I'm the one that will pay
They won't see me struggle to walk, stand
Because I'm in the gray I seem "OK"
 I can pass for able, what a gift!
Until something happens, attitudes shift

"Cashiering is tiring, even sitting down?"
It doesn't make sense, said with a frown
My body does not work typically
Balance, stamina, coordination are key
for life and for me are hard won
To do a little bit of what's usually done

I hide a lot of the pain I feel, It can't be explained just by conversation

Afraid I'll hear "Others have it so much worse" or "It's not that bad"
You see, that's what I tell myself too
But sometimes it's all too much
With feet sensitive to touch
reflexes can't compete with a scanner
and pressure to be neat and try to keep up
Both of my degrees fade away
I'm all I didn't do, should have tried, and all I didn't say
I'm looking for a place to belong
in this world that seeks a perfect fit
And I feel like my body's wrong
So yes I'm in the grey, and while that's ok, it's still CP
And it doesn't make sense that a person so blessed
could feel like an impossible mess
I'm not always a hero, not always an example
But I'm a pretty great person, whose gifts are ample

To live

Sometimes I want to prove everyone wrong, pursue a degree in mathematics just to prove I can, get my PHD so I can be "Dr. Mel." But more often than not? I just want to live my life doing things I want to do. I want it to be okay for me not to know what I want to do with my life. I don't want to always question whether I am doing enough or having the right attitude. I want to be happy with myself and not have to convince other people I'm happy with myself. I don't want to feel pressured to resolve ALL of my issues in my life in order to be successful. I want to try and then try other stuff and not like some of the stuff I try so I try something else.  I just want to be. Earn a living, come home to my cat, maybe have some friends over, take a nap, rinse, repeat. To be able to make a mistake, learn from it, and move on. To be believed when I say that I am doing the best I can today. I know that not everything I have been through makes sense, or not everything I feel is logical, but this is my journey, life as I see it. This is my reality. It's not objective, it's not "big picture." It's the life story of a kind-hearted, brown-eyed, you-tube, commercial loving person. I want to live in this reality and be ok with that.