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Confession: I let it get to me

I want to just focus on the good, I want to be positive
But I've changed inside

This person always knew

Even Plato knew life was hard. According to numerous websites, he is quoting "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." I have always understood that. It's a battle to be happy, to stay positive, to keep trying. The other day my managers were telling me that it would be easier to be born with a disability than acquire it, but I am not sure that is accurate, especially since I have had varying levels of mobility throughout my life. Could it be, that the two experiences are not comparable? Disability, and life, actually is a personal, objective, experience. Pain can't be quantified in a comparison. So "hard battle' pretty much covers it. Addiction, chronic pain, depression, mental health disorders, cancer, inherited diseases, divorce, abuse, money problems, disappointments, and crime are all painful battles. We all are fighting them. Let's all be kind.

2012: The year I both recognize myself as and stop being a tough girl

I am not a tough woman in the sense when "tough" equals "stoic." I feel emotions strongly, with difficulty hiding them. I cannot hide them, but I can control them. I'm sensitive, that's not a good thing or bad thing it's just myself. On the other hand, I am a strong woman. I've had surgery. I've had physical therapy. I've been analyzed and scrutinized and doubted. From the outside, you wouldn't know it. It's not something I advertise. Life with a disability is visible enough whether in my gait or when I am using my walker. Explaining my life is complicated; a simple "If/then" hypothesis does not apply.

That being said, even though I know myself well, and what I can and cannot control, it is confusing perhaps to customers where I work. It might look like I don't know what I'm doing. It might cause a person to question my experience or technique. These comments cause me to tense up, thinking "I need to get this person out of here now." Which might lead to more mistakes, causing more comments. If I were a tough person, in the conventional sense, I would act in accordance with what some have suggested said I should do, which is smile and tell the person to have a good day. But I'm not tough, I know too much now about myself to even pretend to be tough. I know I need to walk away when frustrated or upset. I know when I cannot work effectively and I need a break. I know when nothing I do will be deemed good enough by customers and since the customer may want me to have someone take over, I call someone over.

Here's the thing. I don't expect to be admired or put up on a pedestal for working and having CP. I don't expect every customer to be nice. I've learned the rules of working with the public; I know how people can be. There is nothing valuable that I can learn from a customer being rude to me.

But I want everyone to learn this: Please don't take your bad day out on a customer service person at a store. I'm not a therapist. I have enough problems of my own, which is obvious by the walker that I sit on. I want to get you out of the store as quickly as possible. If I scan something twice, I will quickly remove it. By the way, it's not because I don't know how to do my job, it's because I really shouldn't lift heavy things, but I did it because you obviously need to get out of here and I didn't want to slow down the process. And by the way, if you don't like how I scan things? Scan them yourself at the self-check out. Rudeness and intolerance has no place in my line. Keep those thoughts to yourself.