The beautiful days and the nightmares of night

It's my niece's fourth birthday today. She has delighted me and challenged me every day. Challenged me most in the physical sense, meaning, saying "Try this Meesa!" She has taught me to love in the most abundant way possible.
I really notice this love when compared to other times in my life, and it is no exaggeration that I experienced a nightmare of these times last night. As in, a nightmare when I was sleeping and I woke up and said "That wasn't real, whew." I had this dream that I went to my CP clinic appointment in a hospital (I'm 28, so that was my first clue it wasn't real, but since in my dream I exclaimed my age, it still felt it) There were these experts sitting around me and my mother was there, and they were talking about braces, talking about what I don't do enough of, or maybe they weren't talking at all in the dream. Maybe they were just staring at me, a bunch of white coats in a circle. I don't want to be in that place again. I'm glad as an adult I have more control over my experiences. Those appointments always made me do a reevaluation of myself, and usually I just went through the motions emotionally, not really feeling anything until I got home to do the reevaluation. Sometimes I do wonder what the experts, the residents, interns, doctors and PTs would say about me now. But because of the dream I had, I remember how that felt, and I will stick to wondering for now, not really finding out.

Revelation

I used to feel bad about not being independent. I mean, needing help. And then suddenly, I stopped caring. Because it seems to me I was doing a whole lot of understanding in my life of other people's perspectives, and not receiving much in return. CP is tricky, because sure I could go to therapy every day, I could exercise, I could have surgery. But in the end, I will still have cerebral palsy and there isn't much I can do about that. It's not about trying harder or making up for anything it's living in the reality, without sugarcoating, that yes I do need help with some things. It's not saying that I have a bad life, or that what I have been through is the most horrible experience. It's just saying CP is here and no matter how hard I will try it's not leaving, so instead of trying to fight it, instead of feeling pressured to make up for what I lack through no fault of my own, I will try to make the world a better place.