How it feels

How does it feel to leave your job you have had half your life?
How does it feel to know your limit, and in your bones feel that matters won't improve, and that you have to go?
It feels wonderful to not have to struggle against myself anymore
I don't have to psych myself up for work. I have more energy for other things, like exercise and seeing family.
 I knew that on the outside, since I didn't fit the statistics of people with disabilities, I worked, I made a good hourly wage, that it seemed I had it all and people admired me. Then suddenly, something within me broke. I was tired of being tired, of giving all I had without getting much in return.

     For a while, there was a period of adjustment. I felt as if all of my feelings and actions were in slow motion, like I was stuck to the couch. Unsatisfied after an appointment, I joined a gym. At first, I didn't like it. Getting used to the machines was hard work and learning how to ask for help was hard work. I kept going, and I could do more. Simple things that I haven't thought of in years, such as putting a shirt on without holding onto anything, or standing independently in front of the refrigerator. I started to be able to do more on the machines. I started to relate with others. I wasn't afraid of what I might find out  if I worked with my body, and even if I was, I talked about it, and suddenly I wasn't scared. I didn't compare myself to twenty years ago or twelve years ago, or maybe I did, but not in a depricating way. I started to care about myself again. I started to connect to myself, and I haven't stopped. There's a hope in the middle of my body burning bright and I have to focus on it.  A belief, an assurance that I know what I am talking about.
How does it feel to leave what you've known and dive into life?
I know that I am privileged to be able to do so.
It feels
fantastic