Tuesday, October 16, 2018
Construction
It's important for me to remember that when I feel like, progress-wise, I am hitting a brick wall, I can choose. I'm the one that built it, so I can take it down. I can build something else. Maybe a wall of shaving cream, or foam? Sometimes I want to use the eliptical for a few more minutes, but my body is giving out. Sometimes I am grateful I was able to use the eliptical at all, other times, I do have that yearning, that comparison, that feeling of awareness of what I won't have, that I'm different. Which makes no sense, because the "awareness" lurks vaguely. As in, I don't even know what I won't have, or what I'm missing. Or maybe it's because admitting these feelings embarasses me. I judge myself for them. But I don't have to. I have choices. It's not a slide into the abyss unless I build one.
Sunday, September 16, 2018
I don't want to be perfect
I don't want to be perfect
I'm accepting of who I am
and of who others are
If someone with a disability tells their story
they aren't seeking validation from an "abled"
they are telling you how it is
not merely their perception
their reality of what they live with every day
You don't need to investigate whether what I said was true
You don't need to ask my mom
Yes, I get that I am sensitive
I have examined a situation from every possible angle
and even if you had a bad day, which I am not allowed to have
because it's not inspirational to do so, or I feel it's negative
what you said or did was probably uncalled for
In this world having a disability is a lot of work
Educating people, making them comfortable, overcoming structural obstacles and swallowing pain
Yet others can have a bad day and be impatient and I'm supposed to nod.
I shake my head at that
Thursday, September 13, 2018
my Life-long Truth
What if I shouted out loud “People with disabilities have different issues.” Would people believe me? Would people believe that instead of worrying over the price of gas, and car repairs, and car insurance we worry about getting picked up so we are not late to our medical appointments? And then waiting for hours to be brought home? Nobody would want to do that. Can I negate the assumption that there’s always someone around willing to help? Usually, someone thinks that someone else would help, who thought someone else would help, who thought that a person with a disability should have someone with them at all times. That’s not realistic.
Above all, Can we lift the bar of expectations?
If someone shows a peer with special needs kindness or is their friend, is that news? Is that heartwarming? As a society we need to examine the fact it is not expected to go out of our way for someone. Or even examine the definition of “going out of ones way.” I’m not a difficult person to help, to like, to work for. I ask for little and give much. I try to, anyway. I have no control, technically, over how I’m viewed.
And, if we dare lose patience with an agency, with an individual, if we dare demonstrate actual human emotion, outside of patient, acceptance,a person with a disability is chastised for having an “attitude” or “Not being understanding” Oh. The. Explaining. The justification. The “missing the. entire. point.” The point being that people with disabilities are all aiming to make a couple friends, a couple bucks, a life. Trying to build an authentic life at the same time well meaning people alert me to facts like “I am so lucky to be able to do as much as I can”
Oh, am I? Well, I guess I’ll just scrap these feelings of inadequacy, we’ll put them over here, under the mountain of paperwork I fill out every six months to qualify for the benefits I need to lift my life to a higher level and at the same time put me in poverty.
For a while, I could push back against the brick wall of beaureaucracy and choose positivity. For a while, I could stay focused and take the good out of my job. And then, I couldn’t. My will to do so flattened, as the brickwall crumbled and the remnants laid on top of me. As a person with a disability, I wasn’t part of the unemployment statistic. I wasn’t restricted to a sheltered workshop; I earned a high hourly wage with time and a half on Sundays. What could go wrong? Couldn’t I muster up some courage and stick it out?
Years ago, with a more supportive store, I could have.
Years ago, with a younger body, I could have.
I could have if I ignored the job’s effect on my mental health.
When I finally decided to leave, people were jealous.
I didn’t get to choose my body.
Or create the able-ist thought processes that say I should continually struggle to be “normal”.
Unless I talked about being promoted. Then of course, I wouldn’t be fast enough because I had a disability after all.
But I could choose myself.
Monday, September 10, 2018
How it feels
How does it feel to leave your job you have had half your life?
How does it feel to know your limit, and in your bones feel that matters won't improve, and that you have to go?
It feels wonderful to not have to struggle against myself anymore
I don't have to psych myself up for work. I have more energy for other things, like exercise and seeing family.
I knew that on the outside, since I didn't fit the statistics of people with disabilities, I worked, I made a good hourly wage, that it seemed I had it all and people admired me. Then suddenly, something within me broke. I was tired of being tired, of giving all I had without getting much in return.
For a while, there was a period of adjustment. I felt as if all of my feelings and actions were in slow motion, like I was stuck to the couch. Unsatisfied after an appointment, I joined a gym. At first, I didn't like it. Getting used to the machines was hard work and learning how to ask for help was hard work. I kept going, and I could do more. Simple things that I haven't thought of in years, such as putting a shirt on without holding onto anything, or standing independently in front of the refrigerator. I started to be able to do more on the machines. I started to relate with others. I wasn't afraid of what I might find out if I worked with my body, and even if I was, I talked about it, and suddenly I wasn't scared. I didn't compare myself to twenty years ago or twelve years ago, or maybe I did, but not in a depricating way. I started to care about myself again. I started to connect to myself, and I haven't stopped. There's a hope in the middle of my body burning bright and I have to focus on it. A belief, an assurance that I know what I am talking about.
How does it feel to leave what you've known and dive into life?
I know that I am privileged to be able to do so.
It feels
fantastic
How does it feel to know your limit, and in your bones feel that matters won't improve, and that you have to go?
It feels wonderful to not have to struggle against myself anymore
I don't have to psych myself up for work. I have more energy for other things, like exercise and seeing family.
I knew that on the outside, since I didn't fit the statistics of people with disabilities, I worked, I made a good hourly wage, that it seemed I had it all and people admired me. Then suddenly, something within me broke. I was tired of being tired, of giving all I had without getting much in return.
For a while, there was a period of adjustment. I felt as if all of my feelings and actions were in slow motion, like I was stuck to the couch. Unsatisfied after an appointment, I joined a gym. At first, I didn't like it. Getting used to the machines was hard work and learning how to ask for help was hard work. I kept going, and I could do more. Simple things that I haven't thought of in years, such as putting a shirt on without holding onto anything, or standing independently in front of the refrigerator. I started to be able to do more on the machines. I started to relate with others. I wasn't afraid of what I might find out if I worked with my body, and even if I was, I talked about it, and suddenly I wasn't scared. I didn't compare myself to twenty years ago or twelve years ago, or maybe I did, but not in a depricating way. I started to care about myself again. I started to connect to myself, and I haven't stopped. There's a hope in the middle of my body burning bright and I have to focus on it. A belief, an assurance that I know what I am talking about.
How does it feel to leave what you've known and dive into life?
I know that I am privileged to be able to do so.
It feels
fantastic
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
October 15 is my independence day
It's not about my age or the change of address
Or even changing
It's about a feeling of strength inside
and having more to give
and loving myself and
sharing myself
Sharing a quote, cat pic, or youTube video
Sharing indignation over injustice or inconvenience
"Oh man!"
"WTF?"
And finally knowing why I was given
This brain
This body
This heart
Or even changing
It's about a feeling of strength inside
and having more to give
and loving myself and
sharing myself
Sharing a quote, cat pic, or youTube video
Sharing indignation over injustice or inconvenience
"Oh man!"
"WTF?"
And finally knowing why I was given
This brain
This body
This heart
Life
Remembering the last night at home
scared of failure
Unsure of living with a roommate
Huge changes
And now I sit alone in my apartment
Huge changes
Because her room is empty
The family has collected her belongings
We attended services and said our Goodbyes
My mind flashes to when I told her that I loved her
and she said she didn't know but that she loved me too
pure joy
As she faded away, my dedication level was elite.
Staying up, asking questions, checking in.
Fearing, dreading, hoping
Love all around between myself and her carers
Enlisting family support
And praying, praying, praying
Please God let her go here
Here where we chatted and had snacks
Here when I texted when she couldn't hear what I was saying
Where she developed her own life
Not in a nursing home where this happens every day
and she might be alone in a room with no love
That can't happen
And on that horrible beautiful morning,
She departed and set herself free
And I exhaled with relief
Feeling as if I lived a life in a month
A life, actually in five days
But knowing the strength that she gave me
Will help me conquer the world
scared of failure
Unsure of living with a roommate
Huge changes
And now I sit alone in my apartment
Huge changes
Because her room is empty
The family has collected her belongings
We attended services and said our Goodbyes
My mind flashes to when I told her that I loved her
and she said she didn't know but that she loved me too
pure joy
As she faded away, my dedication level was elite.
Staying up, asking questions, checking in.
Fearing, dreading, hoping
Love all around between myself and her carers
Enlisting family support
And praying, praying, praying
Please God let her go here
Here where we chatted and had snacks
Here when I texted when she couldn't hear what I was saying
Where she developed her own life
Not in a nursing home where this happens every day
and she might be alone in a room with no love
That can't happen
And on that horrible beautiful morning,
She departed and set herself free
And I exhaled with relief
Feeling as if I lived a life in a month
A life, actually in five days
But knowing the strength that she gave me
Will help me conquer the world
Saturday, October 26, 2013
A year later
A year later, I don't know if I could be the spokesperson for where I live.
But I know that I speak up more for myself
A year later, I still don't know my life's path
But I am more accepting of that now
A year later, I haven't changed at all in some ways
Because what I needed to change the most was how I treated myself
A year later, I still give to others
Even more than ever, still as automatic as my huge grin
A year later, I realize it's not about the place or situation or life being perfect
Or even learning lessons from imperfections
Sometimes life is hard, and that's just because it is
Not because I didn't try
or because I need to learn a life lesson
But because sometimes life stinks
And the only way to react is to hold your nose
and keep going
But I know that I speak up more for myself
A year later, I still don't know my life's path
But I am more accepting of that now
A year later, I haven't changed at all in some ways
Because what I needed to change the most was how I treated myself
A year later, I still give to others
Even more than ever, still as automatic as my huge grin
A year later, I realize it's not about the place or situation or life being perfect
Or even learning lessons from imperfections
Sometimes life is hard, and that's just because it is
Not because I didn't try
or because I need to learn a life lesson
But because sometimes life stinks
And the only way to react is to hold your nose
and keep going
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
For World CP Day
I have a wish list:
For everyone with CP to be able to live, think of a goal and pursue it without having to overcome additional obstacles, and without having to prove themselves. A question should be "How can I help you achieve this goal?" not "How are you going to do that?"
I wish that the medical community didn't give up after a certain age, because cerebral palsy doesn't disappear. Everyone deserves to perform at their maximum and have the right to determine that for themselves, not relying on a doctor or an insurance company.
I wish that people with CP that need assistance did not need to be dirt poor in order to be eligible for assistance or stay dirt poor to remain eligible
I wish that cerebral palsy did not mean to some I lived a completely different existence and cannot relate to others.
I wish to ease the burden of always being positive
I wish for others with CP to be able to tell their story; the good, bad, funny, sad, angry, embarrassing,
to eliminate shame.
I wish for better public transit options
I wish for more of everything; more awareness, more research, more communication, more conversation about what needs to happen, and more hope and faith from society that people with CP will lead a full, self-determined life.
For everyone with CP to be able to live, think of a goal and pursue it without having to overcome additional obstacles, and without having to prove themselves. A question should be "How can I help you achieve this goal?" not "How are you going to do that?"
I wish that the medical community didn't give up after a certain age, because cerebral palsy doesn't disappear. Everyone deserves to perform at their maximum and have the right to determine that for themselves, not relying on a doctor or an insurance company.
I wish that people with CP that need assistance did not need to be dirt poor in order to be eligible for assistance or stay dirt poor to remain eligible
I wish that cerebral palsy did not mean to some I lived a completely different existence and cannot relate to others.
I wish to ease the burden of always being positive
I wish for others with CP to be able to tell their story; the good, bad, funny, sad, angry, embarrassing,
to eliminate shame.
I wish for better public transit options
I wish for more of everything; more awareness, more research, more communication, more conversation about what needs to happen, and more hope and faith from society that people with CP will lead a full, self-determined life.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
I'm in the grey, and that's okay, it's just hard sometimes
I can walk but not till age six
I had surgeries that tried to fix
my feet with limited success
I'm only understood by those I let know me best
I work shifts that seem like a breeze
But maintaining a joyful attitude does not come with ease
When I'm tired and my break's late and it's not my turn
Fairness is not my body's main concern
It's screaming to sit down or have a snack
I can't block it out or argue back
I get what it looks like that I don't understand
that they have to deal with what the managers demand
I hesitate to tell anyone how I feel the next day
when I overdo it I'm the one that will pay
They won't see me struggle to walk, stand
Because I'm in the gray I seem "OK"
I can pass for able, what a gift!
Until something happens, attitudes shift
"Cashiering is tiring, even sitting down?"
It doesn't make sense, said with a frown
My body does not work typically
Balance, stamina, coordination are key
for life and for me are hard won
To do a little bit of what's usually done
I hide a lot of the pain I feel, It can't be explained just by conversation
Afraid I'll hear "Others have it so much worse" or "It's not that bad"
You see, that's what I tell myself too
But sometimes it's all too much
With feet sensitive to touch
reflexes can't compete with a scanner
and pressure to be neat and try to keep up
Both of my degrees fade away
I'm all I didn't do, should have tried, and all I didn't say
I'm looking for a place to belong
in this world that seeks a perfect fit
And I feel like my body's wrong
So yes I'm in the grey, and while that's ok, it's still CP
And it doesn't make sense that a person so blessed
could feel like an impossible mess
I'm not always a hero, not always an example
But I'm a pretty great person, whose gifts are ample
I had surgeries that tried to fix
my feet with limited success
I'm only understood by those I let know me best
I work shifts that seem like a breeze
But maintaining a joyful attitude does not come with ease
When I'm tired and my break's late and it's not my turn
Fairness is not my body's main concern
It's screaming to sit down or have a snack
I can't block it out or argue back
I get what it looks like that I don't understand
that they have to deal with what the managers demand
I hesitate to tell anyone how I feel the next day
when I overdo it I'm the one that will pay
They won't see me struggle to walk, stand
Because I'm in the gray I seem "OK"
I can pass for able, what a gift!
Until something happens, attitudes shift
"Cashiering is tiring, even sitting down?"
It doesn't make sense, said with a frown
My body does not work typically
Balance, stamina, coordination are key
for life and for me are hard won
To do a little bit of what's usually done
I hide a lot of the pain I feel, It can't be explained just by conversation
Afraid I'll hear "Others have it so much worse" or "It's not that bad"
You see, that's what I tell myself too
But sometimes it's all too much
With feet sensitive to touch
reflexes can't compete with a scanner
and pressure to be neat and try to keep up
Both of my degrees fade away
I'm all I didn't do, should have tried, and all I didn't say
I'm looking for a place to belong
in this world that seeks a perfect fit
And I feel like my body's wrong
So yes I'm in the grey, and while that's ok, it's still CP
And it doesn't make sense that a person so blessed
could feel like an impossible mess
I'm not always a hero, not always an example
But I'm a pretty great person, whose gifts are ample
Monday, September 2, 2013
To live
Sometimes I want to prove everyone wrong, pursue a degree in mathematics just to prove I can, get my PHD so I can be "Dr. Mel." But more often than not? I just want to live my life doing things I want to do. I want it to be okay for me not to know what I want to do with my life. I don't want to always question whether I am doing enough or having the right attitude. I want to be happy with myself and not have to convince other people I'm happy with myself. I don't want to feel pressured to resolve ALL of my issues in my life in order to be successful. I want to try and then try other stuff and not like some of the stuff I try so I try something else. I just want to be. Earn a living, come home to my cat, maybe have some friends over, take a nap, rinse, repeat. To be able to make a mistake, learn from it, and move on. To be believed when I say that I am doing the best I can today. I know that not everything I have been through makes sense, or not everything I feel is logical, but this is my journey, life as I see it. This is my reality. It's not objective, it's not "big picture." It's the life story of a kind-hearted, brown-eyed, you-tube, commercial loving person. I want to live in this reality and be ok with that.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Thriving
It's easy to forget, in daily life, that something amazing is happening. I see my parents about once a month, and I am not falling apart! (Wow) I'm realizing that I was independent all along- or as independent as my environment would allow me to be. (Sometimes, no way was I going up those stairs again.) I'm working at a different store wearing the same ridiculous outfit and although it is not the "home" that my old store was, the one where I grew up through high school and college, where I encouraged co-workers as they graduated from Western and continued in life, it's okay. It has an elevator. (What is up with me escaping stairs all of a sudden?) I'm a lot of the time the neat, calm person I never knew was in there. I'm still my same emotional self, but I'm starting to see its purpose.
At the same time, life feels the same. I had this expectation that suddenly at a certain point everything would be AMAZING! I would be social, and outgoing, and accomplished! I would write that resume, find that job, write that book. I will. Just because I am not doing those things at this moment doesn't mean my life is not AMAZING! Maybe more so my life is amazing. Little things happen every day. I get tired, I become frustrated, I forget things, I drop things. I underestimate the difficulty of life and think that everything should be perfect by now and I should know everything. Months will go by and life will be hard, not due to lack of skill on my part, but because life just gets that way. Everyone's life has a different path. It's an individual journey with lessons to be learned independently. I try not to compare myself with other people, because my journey has been hard but everyone's "hard" is different. It's not about convincing yourself or anyone trying to convince you it isn't hard. It's about developing skills to get to the other side, and might I add being gentle to one's self in the process.
At the same time, life feels the same. I had this expectation that suddenly at a certain point everything would be AMAZING! I would be social, and outgoing, and accomplished! I would write that resume, find that job, write that book. I will. Just because I am not doing those things at this moment doesn't mean my life is not AMAZING! Maybe more so my life is amazing. Little things happen every day. I get tired, I become frustrated, I forget things, I drop things. I underestimate the difficulty of life and think that everything should be perfect by now and I should know everything. Months will go by and life will be hard, not due to lack of skill on my part, but because life just gets that way. Everyone's life has a different path. It's an individual journey with lessons to be learned independently. I try not to compare myself with other people, because my journey has been hard but everyone's "hard" is different. It's not about convincing yourself or anyone trying to convince you it isn't hard. It's about developing skills to get to the other side, and might I add being gentle to one's self in the process.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
30
In all life's changes these past five months I have learned my deepest fear, or anxiety: That no matter how hard I try, I will look to others as a complete mess and unable to hold it together. I judge myself as someone who should "do a better job" of whatever it is I'm doing, although I withhold judgement of others. Rather than sizing people up, I notice detail, but experience the person without analyzing appearance or drawing conclusions based on what I know after five minutes.
However, I do not grant myself the same compassion. My nervous system is hard-wired to keep up with others, to meet the standard set by the able-bodied population, even if there isn't a standard and it's all in my head.
Difficulties don't disappear just because one ages A miracle pill or cream is available via infomercial for almost every ailment. The truth is certain issues do not respond to any quick fix; learning differences cannot be eradicated completely. No matter how many stretches performed, extremities corrected, or skills practiced, I will have cerebral palsy. I could study tactics to tackle non-verbal learning differences, but the differences will not disappear. I must work around these issues.
How does this relate to my deepest anxiety that I fight against? Because perhaps on the outside I am holding it all together, I'm not failing. Even if all of my files are not alphabetized, my thoughts are scattered, and I get confused. I'm trying. The problem is, I don't want to. I would rather not be confused, but I'm human. Cerebral palsy and non verbal learning differences were not consequences of my choices; I didn't get to say "No thank you." I choose my attitude, however, and I also need to choose to treat myself better. Positivity helps, but realism works even better. I look at my family, my intelligence, my sense of humor. Yet I also have to give myself permission to say "Well isn't this inconvenient! This really frustrates me!" at times. If I am in pain, perspective helps a little bit to say "This isn't a terminal thing" or "I've been through worse" But sometimes, when it's been a few days, and I really feel the pain with every movement of my arm, even after heat or cold packs or Ibuprofen, I just want to use my arm, please.
If I stop thinking about how I am not enough, I will actually be able to improve my life and have enough of whatever it is I want, that is if I lack it in the first place.
However, I do not grant myself the same compassion. My nervous system is hard-wired to keep up with others, to meet the standard set by the able-bodied population, even if there isn't a standard and it's all in my head.
Difficulties don't disappear just because one ages A miracle pill or cream is available via infomercial for almost every ailment. The truth is certain issues do not respond to any quick fix; learning differences cannot be eradicated completely. No matter how many stretches performed, extremities corrected, or skills practiced, I will have cerebral palsy. I could study tactics to tackle non-verbal learning differences, but the differences will not disappear. I must work around these issues.
How does this relate to my deepest anxiety that I fight against? Because perhaps on the outside I am holding it all together, I'm not failing. Even if all of my files are not alphabetized, my thoughts are scattered, and I get confused. I'm trying. The problem is, I don't want to. I would rather not be confused, but I'm human. Cerebral palsy and non verbal learning differences were not consequences of my choices; I didn't get to say "No thank you." I choose my attitude, however, and I also need to choose to treat myself better. Positivity helps, but realism works even better. I look at my family, my intelligence, my sense of humor. Yet I also have to give myself permission to say "Well isn't this inconvenient! This really frustrates me!" at times. If I am in pain, perspective helps a little bit to say "This isn't a terminal thing" or "I've been through worse" But sometimes, when it's been a few days, and I really feel the pain with every movement of my arm, even after heat or cold packs or Ibuprofen, I just want to use my arm, please.
If I stop thinking about how I am not enough, I will actually be able to improve my life and have enough of whatever it is I want, that is if I lack it in the first place.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
I couldn't tell you then
I couldn't tell you then, Gramma
Because you were finally resting
I couldn't bring myself to disturb you
I hope I told you enough how much I loved you all the time
That I saw you enough even though it was never as much as I wanted to.
I didn't get to say "Thanks" for all the love you gave me even though you knew it anyway
and now in my life where you were, there's a hole
I wanted you to be a part of everything
Because you were
You were there for everything
and most importantly you wanted me to have everything I deserve, no matter what it was
I couldn't say it all then and I didn't get to say Good-bye.
It's important for everyone to have a space in their life free of judgement, questions or suggestions.
I'm sure you had some, but the last few years when it was important for me
You didn't.
I'm not saying that no one loves me, I'm not saying that I didn't have support except from you what I am saying is our very unique relationship has changed. That loss, is real.
Because you were finally resting
I couldn't bring myself to disturb you
I hope I told you enough how much I loved you all the time
That I saw you enough even though it was never as much as I wanted to.
I didn't get to say "Thanks" for all the love you gave me even though you knew it anyway
and now in my life where you were, there's a hole
I wanted you to be a part of everything
Because you were
You were there for everything
and most importantly you wanted me to have everything I deserve, no matter what it was
I couldn't say it all then and I didn't get to say Good-bye.
It's important for everyone to have a space in their life free of judgement, questions or suggestions.
I'm sure you had some, but the last few years when it was important for me
You didn't.
I'm not saying that no one loves me, I'm not saying that I didn't have support except from you what I am saying is our very unique relationship has changed. That loss, is real.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Almost three months in......
I think there should be an elimination of the expectation of feelings. I have a mild disability so I should be grateful that I can do so much, grateful that I can work so many hours because people would love to work that many hours. Except, if I am "just like every one else?" I have feelings, I feel pain, I get annoyed and frustrated. I feel these feelings not because I am ungrateful or lack perspective, but because I am a person.
All my life I have been told about the importance of gratitude, the importance of positivity, of hard work. However, that is not the whole story. These values are not cure-alls. I am grateful for my abilities as a thinker and writer, and I am optimistic and positive, but pain still hurts. I don't know if I am where I should be at age almost thirty, I don't know if emotionally I am as mature as I should be, but I have to start now in the present. Right here, no matter if most people my age are married and have children, if I am supposed to be "over" the fact that I have a disability by now, If I should have looked harder for a new job, is where I need to start for any change to occur. I cannot change the decisions I made in the past and I have punished myself emotionally enough. (Could I have tried harder? Should have never done that....) No use in labeling myself as "delayed" before I even start a goal.
Whatever I feel I have to deal with it, no matter what anyone else thinks. I have to be myself. Because my view counts, too, even if I have been told all my life that I was "too sensitive." My life has shaped my perception; my large family, my medical history, emotional struggles, my failings, and even the perception that my view is "wrong" influence how I process information. Knowing how people perceive me, I'm not shocked when I am underestimated or misunderstood, but no longer do I rush to "make" people understand. Because certain aspects about life cannot be taught; certain lessons must be felt, and one perhaps will not think look beyond their own experience in life to see beyond my scanning speed or the fact that I resemble a human tornado behind the register. How hard can it be to be fast and neat right? Apparently difficult, because as long as I have been with the company I have struggled. , so I focus on my friendly personality and thorough attention to my job. And maybe I shouldn't feel alone when the tornado in me is shining through, but sometimes I do. But I have to be honest with myself about my feelings.
I don't know if my skin is thick or thin but all I know is it's the only one I will ever have.
All my life I have been told about the importance of gratitude, the importance of positivity, of hard work. However, that is not the whole story. These values are not cure-alls. I am grateful for my abilities as a thinker and writer, and I am optimistic and positive, but pain still hurts. I don't know if I am where I should be at age almost thirty, I don't know if emotionally I am as mature as I should be, but I have to start now in the present. Right here, no matter if most people my age are married and have children, if I am supposed to be "over" the fact that I have a disability by now, If I should have looked harder for a new job, is where I need to start for any change to occur. I cannot change the decisions I made in the past and I have punished myself emotionally enough. (Could I have tried harder? Should have never done that....) No use in labeling myself as "delayed" before I even start a goal.
Whatever I feel I have to deal with it, no matter what anyone else thinks. I have to be myself. Because my view counts, too, even if I have been told all my life that I was "too sensitive." My life has shaped my perception; my large family, my medical history, emotional struggles, my failings, and even the perception that my view is "wrong" influence how I process information. Knowing how people perceive me, I'm not shocked when I am underestimated or misunderstood, but no longer do I rush to "make" people understand. Because certain aspects about life cannot be taught; certain lessons must be felt, and one perhaps will not think look beyond their own experience in life to see beyond my scanning speed or the fact that I resemble a human tornado behind the register. How hard can it be to be fast and neat right? Apparently difficult, because as long as I have been with the company I have struggled. , so I focus on my friendly personality and thorough attention to my job. And maybe I shouldn't feel alone when the tornado in me is shining through, but sometimes I do. But I have to be honest with myself about my feelings.
I don't know if my skin is thick or thin but all I know is it's the only one I will ever have.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
One Month in
I'm supposed to be home
Since there's no going back
all roads to the past have been closed
I'm not the person I once was
And so I have to start anew
I always knew this would be hard
and unfortunately that's why I didn't go through with it
at age 25, say.
I always thought I woudn't last
But I didn't try
I thought I couldn't
and you know?
Even if I'm not feeling fantastic about it
Even if it's all still new
I'm still doing it.
I'm surviving
It hasn't all been "Fine Thanks Wonderful Thanks for asking!"
But I'm doing it
I'm living the truth
You cannot wait for someone to set you free
You have to dig yourself out, then reach up
and grab your own hope
Since there's no going back
all roads to the past have been closed
I'm not the person I once was
And so I have to start anew
I always knew this would be hard
and unfortunately that's why I didn't go through with it
at age 25, say.
I always thought I woudn't last
But I didn't try
I thought I couldn't
and you know?
Even if I'm not feeling fantastic about it
Even if it's all still new
I'm still doing it.
I'm surviving
It hasn't all been "Fine Thanks Wonderful Thanks for asking!"
But I'm doing it
I'm living the truth
You cannot wait for someone to set you free
You have to dig yourself out, then reach up
and grab your own hope
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
You might be wrong about yourself
The Thursday before I moved, I was convinced that I let my brother's kitten out because I could not find him anywhere, and I had left the door open to look through my mail as it was a nice day. I did not see him leave, but my dad was pretty convincing. We looked outside, both yards, calling him. I decided to look upstairs in my brother's bedroom, remembering his fondness for the closet. Listening closely, I heard a faint yet frantic "mew." I opened up a drawer and that little orange tabby jumped out of there with such gratitude and relief, purring to me that I had this feeling that, as much as I'd feared (Everything is going so well/then I lose my brother's cat/ and It will ruin our relationship) that affairs would take a turn for the worse, I was at peace. I never let him out; I never thought I did. I didn't even close him in that drawer. So I didn't ruin anything, lose him, and nothing bad happened and no one was upset with me.
After the experience, I realized how wrong I was to blame myself and how easy it was to just fall into the belief that the kitten would be .....lost in the wild shall we say. My father and older brother were convinced he was gone for good, so since I left the door open, I figured he was too. But I didn't see him leave. Because he didn't.
So, I am still learning this lesson in trying not to diagnose myself anti-social after being here less than a month. Sure, I don't know what kinds of things I like to do yet because I haven't jumped right in. Because I don't do that. I kind of fold into myself and hide out at first. I have done that in every situation that I have ever been in. As much as I want to dive right in at first I use swimmies or just dip a toe in. And just because I don't do things now on week 3 doesn't mean I won't. Because a certain Eli the Tabby taught me that I could be wrong about myself. I gotta open the drawer of this new life......
And find myself.
After the experience, I realized how wrong I was to blame myself and how easy it was to just fall into the belief that the kitten would be .....lost in the wild shall we say. My father and older brother were convinced he was gone for good, so since I left the door open, I figured he was too. But I didn't see him leave. Because he didn't.
So, I am still learning this lesson in trying not to diagnose myself anti-social after being here less than a month. Sure, I don't know what kinds of things I like to do yet because I haven't jumped right in. Because I don't do that. I kind of fold into myself and hide out at first. I have done that in every situation that I have ever been in. As much as I want to dive right in at first I use swimmies or just dip a toe in. And just because I don't do things now on week 3 doesn't mean I won't. Because a certain Eli the Tabby taught me that I could be wrong about myself. I gotta open the drawer of this new life......
And find myself.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Instant: new life: Just add water(works)
In the midst of transitioning workplaces, towns, and homes, it's different than I thought it would be. It turns out no matter how ready a person is to leave home, or transfer to a new store, no matter how one would think it would be an adventure, an exciting experience, moving has been a sad one for me, not equaling instant happiness. I'm not surprised, but it was disappointing not to feel as if I love every minute of living here right away. Yes, I wanted this to happen and it had to, but even if I was not meant to live with my parents anymore because I was too old to live with them, I still wanted it to work out. I aim to be outgoing and positive but it's difficult to adjust to new routines, new personalities, and new surroundings all at once, holding it together and then it just comes apart
It doesn't make sense to anyone outside but does anyone ever see the work leading up the goal unless one is there with the person, really paying attention? Because on the inside, when I let go, and I want to go home, it makes sense to me. But to others it might seem like "What? What is she so upset about?" In reality, it takes all I can muster to work in a new place, with no familiar faces, new personalities that have established rapport and I am confident in my job but that's about it. The time moves differently there, slow, steady, exhausting. I go home to my apartment, into my room, and collapse on the bed with a sigh of relief. And I lay there kind of missing my family with my Dad's loud TV and my brother holding his cat like a newborn and my Mom typedy typing away at the desktop and asking me questions. I miss my dog thumping her tail on the wooden floor because I'm home, but being to lazy to actually come see me, unless of course I'm eating and then she's my best friend. In the midst of all this emotion I might get a question about something that happened the other day when I really want to just be left alone because I miss my family and these questions reiterate the fact that I actually am living with people who have no idea who I am, and I have no idea who they are.
It's hard....but it's new. The good thing about that is, New things are hard, but hard things are not new for me.
It doesn't make sense to anyone outside but does anyone ever see the work leading up the goal unless one is there with the person, really paying attention? Because on the inside, when I let go, and I want to go home, it makes sense to me. But to others it might seem like "What? What is she so upset about?" In reality, it takes all I can muster to work in a new place, with no familiar faces, new personalities that have established rapport and I am confident in my job but that's about it. The time moves differently there, slow, steady, exhausting. I go home to my apartment, into my room, and collapse on the bed with a sigh of relief. And I lay there kind of missing my family with my Dad's loud TV and my brother holding his cat like a newborn and my Mom typedy typing away at the desktop and asking me questions. I miss my dog thumping her tail on the wooden floor because I'm home, but being to lazy to actually come see me, unless of course I'm eating and then she's my best friend. In the midst of all this emotion I might get a question about something that happened the other day when I really want to just be left alone because I miss my family and these questions reiterate the fact that I actually am living with people who have no idea who I am, and I have no idea who they are.
It's hard....but it's new. The good thing about that is, New things are hard, but hard things are not new for me.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Day two
1. SuperTy RIP Ty! I followed Ty's story for a few years after reading about him on AOL here Parentdish AOL- One mom's heartbreak This is so unfair that as I am creating my own life, his life on Earth ends. I have an issue also with articles that say someone "loses battle" with cancer. Ty fought. Ty clung to life for two years. He endured side effects, treatment for the side effects, pain, medication, and stroke. He loved his parents and his brother so much through all the pain and to say he lost a battle is just unfair. It wasn't just a battle, it was like he was battling his own personal apocalypse. My heart goes out to his family.
2. I realized moving was my only choice. As much as I was ready to start a new adventure, the hardest part was leaving my store and all the fine young people I work with. Working with college students means eventually they graduate, and move on. Eventually, I had to do that too, or my friends would graduate, transfer to other stores, or get other jobs. I became a constant in people's lives, a great part of the job, only I didn't believe anymore that my role in life was to be the cheery cashier happy to be living with her parents no matter the age and happy at my job, because as people moved on, I wanted to move on. Staying meant not growing. The funny thing about positivity is that it runs out. When change must occur, there is no bright side to even the most mundane situation, so change becomes the birght side.
I could try to convince myself I was happy, or I could look at why I thought for some reason other people deserved good things more than I did, that I was meant to settle.
And so I'm here now, and on day 2 it's going well. I can't jump right in to activities, but i have never been able to do that. I have to figure out the logistics first, at my own pace.
Rest in Peace, Ty. You didn't lose.
Friday, October 5, 2012
When? When you're ready, that's when.
Not before
Before, False starts may occur
Before, it's not time
There's too many considerations to be made
But when you're ready?
Everything falls into place
like never before
I didn't know life could work like this
Step one, step two step three
Forward, onward
I feel this is universal
that if something is not meant to be
It won't be
Something has to be done first
Lessons learned
Love to give
But when it's time?
the heart opens
lets experiences in
because you're ready
Before, False starts may occur
Before, it's not time
There's too many considerations to be made
But when you're ready?
Everything falls into place
like never before
I didn't know life could work like this
Step one, step two step three
Forward, onward
I feel this is universal
that if something is not meant to be
It won't be
Something has to be done first
Lessons learned
Love to give
But when it's time?
the heart opens
lets experiences in
because you're ready
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Dear all the forces that be,
Dear God, Karma, and Universe,
I would just like to say "Thanks" for this opportunity to open up for me and advance so smoothly. It's like you saw my charitable donations, positivity, and heart and decided to open up my world. I've worked hard these past two years on myself in order to ready myself for this opportunity. I'm often asked how I stay positive, but the truth is, I work at it and I don't see any other choice of being. However, I would also like to thank you, God, for not labeling me as "negative" when I ran out of energy and could not put forth any positivity. Thank you for rewarding me for working so hard to be a good person. I understand that as a person with a disability the trials I face are not the worst ever, I realize that children suffer with illness, veterans suffer with injury, and many parts of the Earth struggle with Violence, yet you, God, understood that it was not perspective that I needed but change of circumstance to work to my optimal ability.
This is the beginning of great things.
I would just like to say "Thanks" for this opportunity to open up for me and advance so smoothly. It's like you saw my charitable donations, positivity, and heart and decided to open up my world. I've worked hard these past two years on myself in order to ready myself for this opportunity. I'm often asked how I stay positive, but the truth is, I work at it and I don't see any other choice of being. However, I would also like to thank you, God, for not labeling me as "negative" when I ran out of energy and could not put forth any positivity. Thank you for rewarding me for working so hard to be a good person. I understand that as a person with a disability the trials I face are not the worst ever, I realize that children suffer with illness, veterans suffer with injury, and many parts of the Earth struggle with Violence, yet you, God, understood that it was not perspective that I needed but change of circumstance to work to my optimal ability.
This is the beginning of great things.
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