I couldn't tell you then

I couldn't tell you then, Gramma
Because you were finally resting
I couldn't bring myself to disturb you
I hope I told you enough how much I loved you all the time
That I saw you enough even though it was never as much as I wanted to.
I didn't get to say "Thanks" for all the love you gave me even though you knew it anyway
and now in my life where you were, there's a hole
I wanted you to be a part of everything
Because you were
You were there for everything
and most importantly you wanted me to have everything I deserve, no matter what it was
I couldn't say it all then and I didn't get to say Good-bye.
It's important for everyone to have a space in their life free of judgement, questions or suggestions.
I'm sure you had some, but the last few years when it was important for me
You didn't.
I'm not saying that no one loves me, I'm not saying that I didn't have support except from you what I am saying is our very unique relationship has changed. That loss, is real.