Almost three months in......

       I think there should be an elimination of the expectation of feelings. I have a mild disability so I should be grateful that I can do so much, grateful that I can work so many  hours because people would love to work that many hours. Except, if I am "just like every one else?" I have feelings, I feel pain, I get annoyed and frustrated. I feel these feelings not because I am ungrateful or lack perspective, but because I am a person.
       All my life I have been told about the importance of gratitude, the importance of positivity, of hard work. However, that is not the whole story. These values are not cure-alls. I am grateful for my abilities as a thinker and writer, and I am optimistic and positive, but pain still hurts. I don't know if I am where I should be at age almost thirty, I don't know if emotionally I am as mature as I should be, but I have to start now in the present. Right here, no matter if most people my age are married and have children, if I am supposed to be "over" the fact that I have a disability by now, If I should have looked harder for a new job, is where I need to start for any change to occur. I cannot change the decisions I made in the past and I have punished myself emotionally enough. (Could I have tried harder? Should have never done that....) No use in labeling myself as "delayed" before I even start a goal.
         Whatever I feel I have to deal with it, no matter what anyone else thinks. I have to be myself. Because my view counts, too, even if I have been told all my life that I was "too sensitive." My life has shaped my perception; my large family, my medical history, emotional struggles, my failings, and even the perception that my view is "wrong" influence how I process information.  Knowing how people perceive me, I'm not shocked when I am underestimated or misunderstood, but no longer do I rush to "make" people understand. Because certain aspects about life cannot be taught; certain lessons must be felt, and one perhaps will not  think look beyond their own experience in life to  see beyond my scanning speed or the fact that I resemble a human  tornado behind the register.  How hard can it be to be fast and neat right? Apparently difficult, because as long as I have been with the company I have struggled. , so I focus on my friendly personality and thorough attention to my job. And maybe I shouldn't feel alone when the tornado in me is shining through, but sometimes I do. But I have to be honest with myself about my feelings.
     I don't know if my skin is thick or thin but all I know is it's the only one I will ever have.