To live

Sometimes I want to prove everyone wrong, pursue a degree in mathematics just to prove I can, get my PHD so I can be "Dr. Mel." But more often than not? I just want to live my life doing things I want to do. I want it to be okay for me not to know what I want to do with my life. I don't want to always question whether I am doing enough or having the right attitude. I want to be happy with myself and not have to convince other people I'm happy with myself. I don't want to feel pressured to resolve ALL of my issues in my life in order to be successful. I want to try and then try other stuff and not like some of the stuff I try so I try something else.  I just want to be. Earn a living, come home to my cat, maybe have some friends over, take a nap, rinse, repeat. To be able to make a mistake, learn from it, and move on. To be believed when I say that I am doing the best I can today. I know that not everything I have been through makes sense, or not everything I feel is logical, but this is my journey, life as I see it. This is my reality. It's not objective, it's not "big picture." It's the life story of a kind-hearted, brown-eyed, you-tube, commercial loving person. I want to live in this reality and be ok with that.

Thriving

       It's easy to forget, in daily life, that something amazing is happening. I see my parents about once a month, and I am not falling apart! (Wow) I'm realizing that I was independent all along- or as independent as my environment would allow me to be. (Sometimes, no way was I going up those stairs again.) I'm working at a different store wearing the same ridiculous outfit and although it is not the "home" that my old store was, the one where I grew up through high school and college, where I encouraged co-workers as they graduated from Western  and continued in life, it's okay. It has an elevator. (What is up with me escaping stairs all of a sudden?) I'm a lot of the time the neat, calm person I never knew was in there. I'm still my same emotional self, but I'm starting to see its purpose.       
       At the same time, life feels the same. I had this expectation that suddenly at a certain point everything would be AMAZING! I would be social, and outgoing, and accomplished! I would write that resume, find that job, write that book. I will. Just because I am not doing those things at this moment doesn't mean my life is not AMAZING! Maybe more so my life is amazing. Little things happen every day. I get tired, I become frustrated, I forget things, I drop things. I underestimate the difficulty of life and think that everything should be perfect by now and I should know everything. Months will go by and life will be hard, not due to lack of skill on my part, but because life just gets that way. Everyone's life has a different path. It's an individual journey with lessons to be learned independently. I try not to compare myself with other people, because my journey has been hard but everyone's "hard" is different. It's not about convincing yourself or anyone trying to convince you it isn't hard. It's about developing skills to get to the other side, and might I add being gentle to one's self in the process.

30

In all life's changes these past five months I have learned my deepest fear, or anxiety: That no matter how hard I try, I will look to others as a complete mess and unable to hold it together. I judge myself as someone who should "do a better job" of whatever it is I'm doing, although I withhold judgement of others.  Rather than sizing people up, I notice detail, but experience the person without analyzing appearance or drawing conclusions based on what I know after five minutes.
      However, I do not grant myself the same compassion.  My nervous system is hard-wired to keep up with others, to meet the standard set by the able-bodied population, even if there isn't a standard and it's all in my head.
       Difficulties don't disappear just because one ages  A  miracle pill or cream is available via infomercial for almost every ailment.  The truth is certain issues do not respond to any quick fix; learning differences cannot be eradicated completely. No matter how many stretches performed, extremities corrected, or skills practiced, I will have cerebral palsy. I could study tactics to tackle non-verbal learning differences, but the differences will not disappear.  I must work around these issues.
      How does this relate to my deepest anxiety that I fight against? Because perhaps on the outside I am holding it all together, I'm not failing. Even if all of my files are not alphabetized, my thoughts are scattered, and I get confused. I'm trying. The problem is, I don't want to. I would rather not be confused, but I'm human. Cerebral palsy and non verbal learning differences were not consequences of my choices; I didn't get to say "No thank you." I choose my attitude, however, and I also need to choose to treat myself better. Positivity helps, but realism works even better. I look at my family, my intelligence, my sense of humor. Yet I also have to give myself permission to say "Well isn't this inconvenient! This really frustrates me!" at times. If I am in pain, perspective helps a little bit to say "This isn't a terminal thing" or "I've been through worse" But sometimes, when it's been a few days, and I really feel the pain with every movement of my arm, even after heat or cold packs or Ibuprofen, I just want to use my arm, please.

      From here on in, I'm  celebrating myself and eradicating negativity.  I can be real about my weaknesses and limitations and admit them, but what about all the awesomeness? Sure, I've struggled in life, but my strong sense of character helped me to earn two degrees, deal with the public, encourage people, share my well-loved poetry, and learn to walk about four times. (What do you mean you have to bend your knees to walk? Really? Is that a must?)  I've stayed strong despite people doubting me. I've kept going. 
   If I stop thinking about how I am not enough, I will actually be able to improve my life and have enough of whatever it is I want, that is if I lack it in the first place.

I couldn't tell you then

I couldn't tell you then, Gramma
Because you were finally resting
I couldn't bring myself to disturb you
I hope I told you enough how much I loved you all the time
That I saw you enough even though it was never as much as I wanted to.
I didn't get to say "Thanks" for all the love you gave me even though you knew it anyway
and now in my life where you were, there's a hole
I wanted you to be a part of everything
Because you were
You were there for everything
and most importantly you wanted me to have everything I deserve, no matter what it was
I couldn't say it all then and I didn't get to say Good-bye.
It's important for everyone to have a space in their life free of judgement, questions or suggestions.
I'm sure you had some, but the last few years when it was important for me
You didn't.
I'm not saying that no one loves me, I'm not saying that I didn't have support except from you what I am saying is our very unique relationship has changed. That loss, is real.

Almost three months in......

       I think there should be an elimination of the expectation of feelings. I have a mild disability so I should be grateful that I can do so much, grateful that I can work so many  hours because people would love to work that many hours. Except, if I am "just like every one else?" I have feelings, I feel pain, I get annoyed and frustrated. I feel these feelings not because I am ungrateful or lack perspective, but because I am a person.
       All my life I have been told about the importance of gratitude, the importance of positivity, of hard work. However, that is not the whole story. These values are not cure-alls. I am grateful for my abilities as a thinker and writer, and I am optimistic and positive, but pain still hurts. I don't know if I am where I should be at age almost thirty, I don't know if emotionally I am as mature as I should be, but I have to start now in the present. Right here, no matter if most people my age are married and have children, if I am supposed to be "over" the fact that I have a disability by now, If I should have looked harder for a new job, is where I need to start for any change to occur. I cannot change the decisions I made in the past and I have punished myself emotionally enough. (Could I have tried harder? Should have never done that....) No use in labeling myself as "delayed" before I even start a goal.
         Whatever I feel I have to deal with it, no matter what anyone else thinks. I have to be myself. Because my view counts, too, even if I have been told all my life that I was "too sensitive." My life has shaped my perception; my large family, my medical history, emotional struggles, my failings, and even the perception that my view is "wrong" influence how I process information.  Knowing how people perceive me, I'm not shocked when I am underestimated or misunderstood, but no longer do I rush to "make" people understand. Because certain aspects about life cannot be taught; certain lessons must be felt, and one perhaps will not  think look beyond their own experience in life to  see beyond my scanning speed or the fact that I resemble a human  tornado behind the register.  How hard can it be to be fast and neat right? Apparently difficult, because as long as I have been with the company I have struggled. , so I focus on my friendly personality and thorough attention to my job. And maybe I shouldn't feel alone when the tornado in me is shining through, but sometimes I do. But I have to be honest with myself about my feelings.
     I don't know if my skin is thick or thin but all I know is it's the only one I will ever have.

One Month in

I'm supposed to be home
Since there's no going back
all roads to the past have been closed
I'm not the person I once was
And so I have to start anew
I always knew this would be hard
and unfortunately that's why I didn't go through with it
at age 25, say.
I always thought I woudn't last
But  I didn't try
I thought I couldn't
and you know?
Even if I'm not feeling fantastic about it
Even if it's all still new
I'm still doing it.
I'm surviving
It hasn't all been "Fine Thanks Wonderful Thanks for asking!"
But I'm doing it
I'm living the truth
You cannot wait for someone to set you free
You have to dig yourself out, then reach up
and grab your own hope

You might be wrong about yourself

The Thursday before I moved, I was convinced that I let my brother's kitten out because I could not find him anywhere, and I had left the door open to look through my mail as it was a nice day. I did not see him leave, but my dad was pretty convincing. We looked outside, both yards, calling him. I decided to look upstairs in my brother's bedroom, remembering his fondness for the closet. Listening closely, I heard a faint yet frantic "mew." I opened up a drawer and that little orange tabby jumped out of there with such gratitude and relief, purring to me that I had this feeling that, as much as I'd feared (Everything is going so well/then I lose my brother's cat/ and It will ruin our relationship) that affairs would take a turn for the worse, I was at peace. I never let him out; I never thought I did. I didn't even close him in that drawer. So I didn't ruin anything, lose him, and nothing bad happened and no one was upset with me.
      After the experience, I realized how wrong I was to blame myself and how easy it was to just fall into the belief that the kitten would be .....lost in the wild shall we say. My father and older brother were convinced he was gone for good, so since I left the door open, I figured he was too. But I didn't see him leave. Because he didn't.
       So, I am still learning this lesson in trying not to diagnose myself anti-social after being here less than a month. Sure, I don't know what kinds of things I like to do yet because I haven't jumped right in. Because I don't do that. I kind of fold into myself and hide out at first. I have done that in every situation that I have ever been in. As much as I want to dive right in at first I use swimmies or just dip a toe in. And just because I don't do things now on week 3 doesn't mean I won't. Because a certain Eli the Tabby taught me that I could be wrong about myself. I gotta open the drawer of this new life......
And find myself.