the wrong angle

Instead of thinking "The way I am isn't good enough now so I have to change," or "I don't want to change because I'm happy with who I am" I need to build emotional endurance to be able to power through the times when I feel inferior.  From a disease model, I needed to change because I was defective. In reality though, it's not about a radical change. It's loving myself enough to endure the hard times of personal and professional change to get through the other side. If I don't, I am saying no to myself, eliminating opportunities because of the negative tape that plays in my head. This movie shows me being in a meeting with a client and coming apart, or shutting down when I am supposed to advocate for someone. However, the opposite of this is understanding my emotions and learning to control them, and calmly asserting a professional version of myself. I can do all of this. The story I tell myself is wrong.
  

A Rundown

 Here's a little overview of me: On the inside and to those who know me...I'm educated, perceptive, knowledgeable, and friendly. But to people that have never met me before and see a woman sitting on a walker working at a grocery store, they think I am a consumer of an agency for persons with disabilities, because this person may run events for such an agency: f someone with a disability is bagging for me, they think "Oh there's a program that get's people jobs, how wonderful." (actual paraphrased comment from someone.) But here's the truth:
I do not have a job coach. I did not get this job thru an agency; far from the truth. I got my job at 16 in 1999 when someone was having people fill out applications. I figured Hey, I'll try it, what the heck. I didn't use a walker then, but I still had CP, of course. I was a kid who liked having her own money and enjoyed relating to people, and fought for acceptance. I knew how things should be and if something was wrong if I felt misunderstood, I communicated my concerns. I kept trying. Co-workers weren't always nice. Customers didn't understand. There was no advocate between myself and the store, just myself. Eventually as I opened up, I gained trust in some co-workers that helped me. 
     I stayed with the company thru high school and college, then left for graduate school, but found myself needing money and drifting in life between my internship and the start of student teaching. I called the store after applying online. I had an interviewed and was rehired, this time, I sat down when ringing.
   I am sure there are more people with disabilities without job coaches. The assumption can't always be true that walker=agency, though I might use an agency to help advance my career. Maybe  a person with a disability just took a chance. I am not a product of your agency's work, though your agency shows greatness throughout the community. What I ask is that society consider that I am a product of my own determination.

I am more

I am More
More than my IQ
or test results
or labels
and for every time I felt trapped and could not regulate my emotions
I let them slip
Kicking myself mentally because I'm letting them slip
knowing how I'll be perceived
What about the thousand moments in between I nodded in agreement?
I helped someone?
I understood?
I'm not the fastest and I never have been a competitive person
unless, even with my emotional ways, even if I unintentionally cause discomfort
or seem to manipulate, I'm striving
to be the best person I can be
To look beyond how people should act, how things appear, look not only through my lens
(Because not everyone has gone to college, had good grades, two parents, or the experiences I have had, even if they never say so)
and see, feel what people are saying
So go ahead and call me "emotional"
and I may as well say
"Thanks"

The Barriers

The greatest barrier I face in my job search may well be the fact that I already have been successfully employed for most of the past twelve years. I didn't really intend to be with the company that long, but bills need to be paid. Insurance needs to pay for physical therapy, or counseling, or whatever. And so then I become concerned with the day to day, the transportation getting to said job. After that, I figure I might as well enjoy my time at home before work so I read blogs and look at YOUTUBE, and chat with my sister.
Another barrier I face doesn't have a name. I don't know why it happens. When I become overwhelmed, my brain takes a break, and I zone out. Or sometimes I might seem reluctant to join in on a project, because I don't just jump right in. Something stops me from doing so. It's almost as if with other people, I don't feel as if I have enough "room" to think and formulate my thoughts, so I tend to just let other people take over. I'm not really sure what role to play in a project unless it is spelled out for me. (There are some reality shows where I'd never make it). These issues have made up a huge wall in my life that I cannot get past. I prefer written communication to any other form, because I can go back and delete what I don't want to say, and take time to phrase things as I like.
Has this ever happened to anybody else?
You make a statement
The receiver either makes a complete joke about the statement and starts loudly laughing HAHAHAHAHA
until you just say forget it.
Or, even worse, maybe, is perhaps when one asks a question and is greeted, without finishing a sentence, with some philosophical paragraph about how life is or what one needs to do, but this lecture wasn't even necessary, because the person wasn't assuming anything, she just wanted an answer to the question.
Or how about when a person says he or she will be available for you, but then doesn't deliver, and then lectures about how busy he or she is, and how I have to do things differently, etc.
Ok, no need for a lecture, it's just that you said you were going to do it, and if you can't that's fine, but turning it into a lesson of some sort really isn't necessary.

It's CP Awareness Month!

Cerebral Palsy is a tricky condition. Living with cerebral palsy is a highly personal, individualized experience. It's not really a condition at all as much as it is a descriptor "Something happened in the brain that affects my motor function." As I get older, I realize I might have to do things differently. Maybe I can't work full-time. Maybe I will be able to drive one day, maybe not. I don't know if I am like everyone else. I know I have always felt different, not only because of how cerebral palsy affects my life, but also the fact that I have a huge family, I'm one of the only females in my family, I have anxiety and mental health issues that some people think I made up or am being dramatic about. As much as people will try to tell me I'm just like everyone else, I know that I'm not. I'm just myself.
When I was younger, I had more "mojo" to prove people wrong. I had more strength to overcome obstacles and challenge myself. Now, sometimes I just want something to be easy, or I avoid tasks or situations I don't like. Awareness of CP became apparent as I was older; it's there and it's not leaving, and I understand more than ever what this means for me. I pray with thanks every day for the independence I have, however, sometimes I do wish things were different if only I could fit in more. I wish that I wasn't so afraid that people wouldn't give me a chance. I wish family and friends that I may call to explain my situation wouldn't just explain the "other person's view." Because I understand the other person's view. I understand how life is, how life can be, I get it. Life has been beating me upside the head about how life could be (And I'm talking all of it, joy, sadness, pain, accomplishment, disappointment) for the last twenty-nine years.
I try. I make mistakes. I smile. I cry. I feel awesome. I feel uncool. I get frustrated.
I'm authentic.
I'm aware of how cerebral palsy affects me and how other's situations in life affect them.
I get it.
I'm aware.

Being Me in a World that might insist I change

I wish I were different, a different type of person sometimes. However, I know now, that growing a thick skin, becoming less sensitive, or toughening up just won't happen. It's not meant to be. I would love to be that person who is businesslike, a chameleon changing to fit every situation, adapting to my environment. The older I get, however, the more I see that for better or worse, this is the person I am, and was meant to be.
Life and the world today astonishes me. I see pain around me. I see sickness and depression and I learned of a suicide recently. And I feel the pain of others, I am aware of it; almost as if it permeates my existence. And so then I have to balance finding that "reality check" and still deal with the issues of my own life.
I see the world differently than most people, as a result, I my perceptions are often translated into "what I thought happened versus what, in reality happened." And so maybe for most people that is what their reality is. But I don't know, I've only been myself. I've never not had cerebral palsy, I've never not been sensitive.
So what I'm saying is, as much as I would like to just be able to put on a business suit and adopt a tough exterior, or deal with life with a straight face, without emoting, this is who I am. I can't fight it anymore. I have to accept all of myself, because I don't think you can have the Melissa that is stoic and still have the Melissa that helps and is willing to learn about people. I can't keep working agianst who I was meant to be. Kind of like how sometimes I want my positivity of ten years ago and my exercise habits of four years ago, and to never use the walker again. But I can't have it all and be truly me.

Don't look over here

I am not personified hope and positivity
Don't look to me for that
Don't count on me for a smile or a joke
I can't give you what you need.
I have no perspective
I'm casting aside the costume
that came with the role of being radiant light
Don't look to me for the answer of how to always be happy
Because I don't think that exists
See when I tried to become a certified teacher
I realized I had been teaching my whole life.
It's exhausting. I have no answers I just know
This is my life, I get one. I'm not totally accepting of my flaws
I just know I can't walk around feeling like a giant flaw