I wish I were different, a different type of person sometimes. However, I know now, that growing a thick skin, becoming less sensitive, or toughening up just won't happen. It's not meant to be. I would love to be that person who is businesslike, a chameleon changing to fit every situation, adapting to my environment. The older I get, however, the more I see that for better or worse, this is the person I am, and was meant to be.
Life and the world today astonishes me. I see pain around me. I see sickness and depression and I learned of a suicide recently. And I feel the pain of others, I am aware of it; almost as if it permeates my existence. And so then I have to balance finding that "reality check" and still deal with the issues of my own life.
I see the world differently than most people, as a result, I my perceptions are often translated into "what I thought happened versus what, in reality happened." And so maybe for most people that is what their reality is. But I don't know, I've only been myself. I've never not had cerebral palsy, I've never not been sensitive.
So what I'm saying is, as much as I would like to just be able to put on a business suit and adopt a tough exterior, or deal with life with a straight face, without emoting, this is who I am. I can't fight it anymore. I have to accept all of myself, because I don't think you can have the Melissa that is stoic and still have the Melissa that helps and is willing to learn about people. I can't keep working agianst who I was meant to be. Kind of like how sometimes I want my positivity of ten years ago and my exercise habits of four years ago, and to never use the walker again. But I can't have it all and be truly me.
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