Instant: new life: Just add water(works)

      In the midst of transitioning workplaces, towns, and homes, it's different than I thought it would be. It turns out no matter how ready a person is to leave home, or transfer to a new store, no matter how one would think it would be an adventure, an exciting experience, moving has been a sad one for me,  not equaling instant happiness. I'm not surprised, but it was disappointing not to feel as if I love every minute of living here right away. Yes, I wanted this to happen and it had to, but even if I was not meant to live with my parents anymore because I was too old to live with them, I still wanted it to work out.  I aim to be outgoing and positive but it's difficult to adjust to new routines, new personalities, and new surroundings all at once, holding it together and then it just comes apart
        It doesn't make sense to anyone outside but does anyone ever see the work leading up the goal unless one is there with the person, really paying attention? Because on the inside, when I let go, and I want to go home, it makes sense to me. But to others it might seem like "What? What is she so upset about?" In reality, it takes all I can muster to work in a new place, with no familiar faces, new personalities that have established rapport and I am confident in my job but that's about it.  The time moves differently there, slow, steady, exhausting.  I go home to my apartment, into my room, and collapse on the bed with a sigh of relief. And I lay there kind of missing my family with my Dad's loud TV and my brother holding his cat like a newborn and my Mom typedy typing away at the desktop and asking me questions. I miss my dog thumping her tail on the wooden floor because I'm home, but being to lazy to actually come see me, unless of course I'm eating and then she's my best friend.  In the midst of all this emotion I might get a question about something that happened the other day when I really want to just be left alone because I miss my family and these questions reiterate the fact that I actually am living with people who have no idea who I am, and I have no idea who they are.
It's hard....but it's new. The good thing about that is, New things are hard, but hard things are not new for me.

Day two

1. SuperTy RIP Ty! I followed Ty's story for a few years after reading about him on AOL here Parentdish AOL- One mom's heartbreak This is so unfair that as I am creating my own life, his life on Earth ends. I have an issue also with articles that say someone "loses battle" with cancer. Ty fought. Ty clung to life for two years. He endured side effects, treatment for the side effects, pain, medication, and stroke. He loved his parents and his brother so much through all the pain and to say he lost a battle is just unfair. It wasn't just a battle, it was like he was battling his own personal apocalypse. My heart goes out to his family.
2. I realized moving was my only choice. As much as I was ready to start a new adventure, the hardest part was leaving my store and all the fine young people I work with. Working with college students means eventually they graduate, and move on. Eventually, I had to do that too, or my friends would graduate, transfer to other stores, or get other jobs. I became a constant in people's lives, a great part of the job, only I didn't believe anymore that my role in  life was to be the cheery cashier happy to be living with her parents no matter the age and happy at my job, because as people moved on, I wanted to move on. Staying meant not growing. The funny thing about positivity is that it runs out. When change must occur, there is no bright side to even the most mundane situation, so change becomes the birght side.
I could try to convince myself I was happy, or I could look at why I thought for some reason other people deserved good things more than I did, that I was meant to settle.
 And so I'm here now, and on day 2 it's going well. I can't jump right in to activities, but i have never been able to do that. I have to figure out the logistics first, at my own pace.


Rest in Peace, Ty. You didn't lose.

When? When you're ready, that's when.

Not before
Before, False starts may occur
Before, it's not time
There's too many considerations to be made
But when you're ready?
Everything falls into place
like never before
I didn't know life could work like this
Step one, step two step three
Forward, onward
I feel this is universal
that if something is not meant to be
It won't be
Something has to be done first
Lessons learned
Love to give
But when it's time?
the heart opens
lets experiences in
because you're ready

Dear all the forces that be,

Dear God, Karma, and Universe,
I would just like to say "Thanks" for this opportunity to open up for me and advance so smoothly. It's like you saw my charitable donations, positivity, and heart and decided to open up my world. I've worked hard these past two years on myself in order to ready myself for this opportunity. I'm often asked how I stay positive, but the truth is, I work at it and I don't see any other choice of being. However, I would also like to thank you, God, for not labeling me as "negative" when I ran out of energy and could not put forth any positivity.  Thank you for rewarding me for working so hard to be a good person. I understand that as a person with a disability the trials I face are not  the worst ever, I realize that children suffer with illness, veterans suffer with injury, and many parts of the Earth struggle with Violence, yet you, God, understood that it was not perspective that I needed but change of circumstance to work to my optimal ability.
This is the beginning of great things.

I can't sit still

I can't sit still
I'm ready, waiting to break free
I know I'll be missed
I need to do this
I will be more independent with assistance than ever before
Free of thinking "How will I do it?"
 Thinking "When?"
Not having to try so hard to live with passion
just living not waiting
 Becoming who I am supposed to be

For World CP day

On How I got Here

By Melissa Taylor

Ideally, every person would accept their challenges in life and find a way around these.  A strict schedule of grief and acceptance, including the how-to manual would be included in a kit, and everyone with challenges and disabilities would know that “Everyone feels like this!” and “Everyone has challenges!” and magically, everything would be ok.

      However, no typical chart exists. Or if one exists, I have never been on the chart. Although I  draw inspiration from article, persons I meet with challenges, and segments on television, nothing ever resonates  as away of being.

       Every person owns their journey in life with disability. Some may visualize it as a mountain, others deep valley, others still a swimming in a crashing ocean. A Segway, a walker, a wheelchair, or crutches may be used to transport him or herself through the terrain, and the representation of acceptance or success different for each individual. For some it may be walking independently, for others, adapted sports. Until about age 23, I was gung-ho about life; an avid student, I worked part time, and I fulfilled every commitment ever promised.  I never thought I’d feel “stoppable.” As I got older, I had less energy for positivity. I didn’t walk by myself as much, I’d endured a frustrating internship at an inner-city school, a successful internship at a school in town. My heart makes up for whatever I cannot do.  I realize now that I compensated with soul for not only cerebral palsy, but my organizational deficits caused by learning disabilities. This compensation takes energy, and  suddenly, my reserves depleted. Usually a go-to for positivity, happiness, and love for my students, fatigue paralyzed me. After deciding to end student teaching, I was lost. Ever since, well-meaning acquaintances have asked me “What do you want to do with your life?” I am  First, what I wanted in life was for people to stop asking me questions. I focused on getting a ride to work, and staying positive, which took energy. Finding my path in life required stamina not available to me. Trying harder with teaching proved impossible, and returning to school not feasible. These factors caused me to give up on myself, the saddest part of my journey. I stopped dreaming when discovering  neurological and personal aspects caused me to cross out opportunities, feeling infinitely disabled. All I thought of were impossibilities.  I’ve always known that my path to success would be defined differently than a non-disabled person. However, I refuse to have lower expectations for myself, as  I know myself best. With with the right job, self-support  is a reality. This right job will not appear as a position as a neurosurgeon,  a mathematician, but a job that holds passion and promise. Cashiering is respectable, but there’s a “happiness  ceiling”,; a limit to which I can be happy having other interests, expending much energy for little money, at a location I have been working since high school.  No longer can I look on the bright side to a job with no promise of professional growth. I never intended to be tethered indefinitely to the income limits of social security or the intellectual limits of cashiering. I came to the realization that as hard as it s that doctors and psychologists box me in with a label, it is even more disturbing when I box myself in with the labels assigned to me.

Knowing

Knowing how much I have, how lucky I am, and how much I can do, it surprises me that I get down on myself still.  This knowledge does not render my life perfect or mean that I am always happy, even if (and here's the big part) I pressure myself to be.  The problem isn't that I'm a negative person, I'm just like everyone else. As much as having a disability, my number of siblings, and life experiences have shaped me, I am bound to get frustrated, because people do.  It may seem that I blow up over little things, in reality, I can keep it in control for a long time. I brush it off because I get that people are going to become impatient (being human and all). Usually it's the ninth time in the day, or even the week that someone said I was sitting down on the job, or that I look tired, or tries to get by my walker and I can't and I was doing something while the customer behind me wanted to get by and I lost concentration I can feel the need to let off steam. The steam I feel isn't even about the person asking me to move, or my not being able to move as quickly. It's because I need the walker at all, and I used to not use one at work. (although I seem to forget the fact of the painful feet and walking when I didn't have a seat readily available.)