It's CP Awareness Month!

Cerebral Palsy is a tricky condition. Living with cerebral palsy is a highly personal, individualized experience. It's not really a condition at all as much as it is a descriptor "Something happened in the brain that affects my motor function." As I get older, I realize I might have to do things differently. Maybe I can't work full-time. Maybe I will be able to drive one day, maybe not. I don't know if I am like everyone else. I know I have always felt different, not only because of how cerebral palsy affects my life, but also the fact that I have a huge family, I'm one of the only females in my family, I have anxiety and mental health issues that some people think I made up or am being dramatic about. As much as people will try to tell me I'm just like everyone else, I know that I'm not. I'm just myself.
When I was younger, I had more "mojo" to prove people wrong. I had more strength to overcome obstacles and challenge myself. Now, sometimes I just want something to be easy, or I avoid tasks or situations I don't like. Awareness of CP became apparent as I was older; it's there and it's not leaving, and I understand more than ever what this means for me. I pray with thanks every day for the independence I have, however, sometimes I do wish things were different if only I could fit in more. I wish that I wasn't so afraid that people wouldn't give me a chance. I wish family and friends that I may call to explain my situation wouldn't just explain the "other person's view." Because I understand the other person's view. I understand how life is, how life can be, I get it. Life has been beating me upside the head about how life could be (And I'm talking all of it, joy, sadness, pain, accomplishment, disappointment) for the last twenty-nine years.
I try. I make mistakes. I smile. I cry. I feel awesome. I feel uncool. I get frustrated.
I'm authentic.
I'm aware of how cerebral palsy affects me and how other's situations in life affect them.
I get it.
I'm aware.

Being Me in a World that might insist I change

I wish I were different, a different type of person sometimes. However, I know now, that growing a thick skin, becoming less sensitive, or toughening up just won't happen. It's not meant to be. I would love to be that person who is businesslike, a chameleon changing to fit every situation, adapting to my environment. The older I get, however, the more I see that for better or worse, this is the person I am, and was meant to be.
Life and the world today astonishes me. I see pain around me. I see sickness and depression and I learned of a suicide recently. And I feel the pain of others, I am aware of it; almost as if it permeates my existence. And so then I have to balance finding that "reality check" and still deal with the issues of my own life.
I see the world differently than most people, as a result, I my perceptions are often translated into "what I thought happened versus what, in reality happened." And so maybe for most people that is what their reality is. But I don't know, I've only been myself. I've never not had cerebral palsy, I've never not been sensitive.
So what I'm saying is, as much as I would like to just be able to put on a business suit and adopt a tough exterior, or deal with life with a straight face, without emoting, this is who I am. I can't fight it anymore. I have to accept all of myself, because I don't think you can have the Melissa that is stoic and still have the Melissa that helps and is willing to learn about people. I can't keep working agianst who I was meant to be. Kind of like how sometimes I want my positivity of ten years ago and my exercise habits of four years ago, and to never use the walker again. But I can't have it all and be truly me.

Don't look over here

I am not personified hope and positivity
Don't look to me for that
Don't count on me for a smile or a joke
I can't give you what you need.
I have no perspective
I'm casting aside the costume
that came with the role of being radiant light
Don't look to me for the answer of how to always be happy
Because I don't think that exists
See when I tried to become a certified teacher
I realized I had been teaching my whole life.
It's exhausting. I have no answers I just know
This is my life, I get one. I'm not totally accepting of my flaws
I just know I can't walk around feeling like a giant flaw

Help save Amelia!

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Confession: I let it get to me

I want to just focus on the good, I want to be positive
But I've changed inside

This person always knew

Even Plato knew life was hard. According to numerous websites, he is quoting "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." I have always understood that. It's a battle to be happy, to stay positive, to keep trying. The other day my managers were telling me that it would be easier to be born with a disability than acquire it, but I am not sure that is accurate, especially since I have had varying levels of mobility throughout my life. Could it be, that the two experiences are not comparable? Disability, and life, actually is a personal, objective, experience. Pain can't be quantified in a comparison. So "hard battle' pretty much covers it. Addiction, chronic pain, depression, mental health disorders, cancer, inherited diseases, divorce, abuse, money problems, disappointments, and crime are all painful battles. We all are fighting them. Let's all be kind.

2012: The year I both recognize myself as and stop being a tough girl

I am not a tough woman in the sense when "tough" equals "stoic." I feel emotions strongly, with difficulty hiding them. I cannot hide them, but I can control them. I'm sensitive, that's not a good thing or bad thing it's just myself. On the other hand, I am a strong woman. I've had surgery. I've had physical therapy. I've been analyzed and scrutinized and doubted. From the outside, you wouldn't know it. It's not something I advertise. Life with a disability is visible enough whether in my gait or when I am using my walker. Explaining my life is complicated; a simple "If/then" hypothesis does not apply.

That being said, even though I know myself well, and what I can and cannot control, it is confusing perhaps to customers where I work. It might look like I don't know what I'm doing. It might cause a person to question my experience or technique. These comments cause me to tense up, thinking "I need to get this person out of here now." Which might lead to more mistakes, causing more comments. If I were a tough person, in the conventional sense, I would act in accordance with what some have suggested said I should do, which is smile and tell the person to have a good day. But I'm not tough, I know too much now about myself to even pretend to be tough. I know I need to walk away when frustrated or upset. I know when I cannot work effectively and I need a break. I know when nothing I do will be deemed good enough by customers and since the customer may want me to have someone take over, I call someone over.

Here's the thing. I don't expect to be admired or put up on a pedestal for working and having CP. I don't expect every customer to be nice. I've learned the rules of working with the public; I know how people can be. There is nothing valuable that I can learn from a customer being rude to me.

But I want everyone to learn this: Please don't take your bad day out on a customer service person at a store. I'm not a therapist. I have enough problems of my own, which is obvious by the walker that I sit on. I want to get you out of the store as quickly as possible. If I scan something twice, I will quickly remove it. By the way, it's not because I don't know how to do my job, it's because I really shouldn't lift heavy things, but I did it because you obviously need to get out of here and I didn't want to slow down the process. And by the way, if you don't like how I scan things? Scan them yourself at the self-check out. Rudeness and intolerance has no place in my line. Keep those thoughts to yourself.