One Month in

I'm supposed to be home
Since there's no going back
all roads to the past have been closed
I'm not the person I once was
And so I have to start anew
I always knew this would be hard
and unfortunately that's why I didn't go through with it
at age 25, say.
I always thought I woudn't last
But  I didn't try
I thought I couldn't
and you know?
Even if I'm not feeling fantastic about it
Even if it's all still new
I'm still doing it.
I'm surviving
It hasn't all been "Fine Thanks Wonderful Thanks for asking!"
But I'm doing it
I'm living the truth
You cannot wait for someone to set you free
You have to dig yourself out, then reach up
and grab your own hope

You might be wrong about yourself

The Thursday before I moved, I was convinced that I let my brother's kitten out because I could not find him anywhere, and I had left the door open to look through my mail as it was a nice day. I did not see him leave, but my dad was pretty convincing. We looked outside, both yards, calling him. I decided to look upstairs in my brother's bedroom, remembering his fondness for the closet. Listening closely, I heard a faint yet frantic "mew." I opened up a drawer and that little orange tabby jumped out of there with such gratitude and relief, purring to me that I had this feeling that, as much as I'd feared (Everything is going so well/then I lose my brother's cat/ and It will ruin our relationship) that affairs would take a turn for the worse, I was at peace. I never let him out; I never thought I did. I didn't even close him in that drawer. So I didn't ruin anything, lose him, and nothing bad happened and no one was upset with me.
      After the experience, I realized how wrong I was to blame myself and how easy it was to just fall into the belief that the kitten would be .....lost in the wild shall we say. My father and older brother were convinced he was gone for good, so since I left the door open, I figured he was too. But I didn't see him leave. Because he didn't.
       So, I am still learning this lesson in trying not to diagnose myself anti-social after being here less than a month. Sure, I don't know what kinds of things I like to do yet because I haven't jumped right in. Because I don't do that. I kind of fold into myself and hide out at first. I have done that in every situation that I have ever been in. As much as I want to dive right in at first I use swimmies or just dip a toe in. And just because I don't do things now on week 3 doesn't mean I won't. Because a certain Eli the Tabby taught me that I could be wrong about myself. I gotta open the drawer of this new life......
And find myself.

Instant: new life: Just add water(works)

      In the midst of transitioning workplaces, towns, and homes, it's different than I thought it would be. It turns out no matter how ready a person is to leave home, or transfer to a new store, no matter how one would think it would be an adventure, an exciting experience, moving has been a sad one for me,  not equaling instant happiness. I'm not surprised, but it was disappointing not to feel as if I love every minute of living here right away. Yes, I wanted this to happen and it had to, but even if I was not meant to live with my parents anymore because I was too old to live with them, I still wanted it to work out.  I aim to be outgoing and positive but it's difficult to adjust to new routines, new personalities, and new surroundings all at once, holding it together and then it just comes apart
        It doesn't make sense to anyone outside but does anyone ever see the work leading up the goal unless one is there with the person, really paying attention? Because on the inside, when I let go, and I want to go home, it makes sense to me. But to others it might seem like "What? What is she so upset about?" In reality, it takes all I can muster to work in a new place, with no familiar faces, new personalities that have established rapport and I am confident in my job but that's about it.  The time moves differently there, slow, steady, exhausting.  I go home to my apartment, into my room, and collapse on the bed with a sigh of relief. And I lay there kind of missing my family with my Dad's loud TV and my brother holding his cat like a newborn and my Mom typedy typing away at the desktop and asking me questions. I miss my dog thumping her tail on the wooden floor because I'm home, but being to lazy to actually come see me, unless of course I'm eating and then she's my best friend.  In the midst of all this emotion I might get a question about something that happened the other day when I really want to just be left alone because I miss my family and these questions reiterate the fact that I actually am living with people who have no idea who I am, and I have no idea who they are.
It's hard....but it's new. The good thing about that is, New things are hard, but hard things are not new for me.

Day two

1. SuperTy RIP Ty! I followed Ty's story for a few years after reading about him on AOL here Parentdish AOL- One mom's heartbreak This is so unfair that as I am creating my own life, his life on Earth ends. I have an issue also with articles that say someone "loses battle" with cancer. Ty fought. Ty clung to life for two years. He endured side effects, treatment for the side effects, pain, medication, and stroke. He loved his parents and his brother so much through all the pain and to say he lost a battle is just unfair. It wasn't just a battle, it was like he was battling his own personal apocalypse. My heart goes out to his family.
2. I realized moving was my only choice. As much as I was ready to start a new adventure, the hardest part was leaving my store and all the fine young people I work with. Working with college students means eventually they graduate, and move on. Eventually, I had to do that too, or my friends would graduate, transfer to other stores, or get other jobs. I became a constant in people's lives, a great part of the job, only I didn't believe anymore that my role in  life was to be the cheery cashier happy to be living with her parents no matter the age and happy at my job, because as people moved on, I wanted to move on. Staying meant not growing. The funny thing about positivity is that it runs out. When change must occur, there is no bright side to even the most mundane situation, so change becomes the birght side.
I could try to convince myself I was happy, or I could look at why I thought for some reason other people deserved good things more than I did, that I was meant to settle.
 And so I'm here now, and on day 2 it's going well. I can't jump right in to activities, but i have never been able to do that. I have to figure out the logistics first, at my own pace.


Rest in Peace, Ty. You didn't lose.

When? When you're ready, that's when.

Not before
Before, False starts may occur
Before, it's not time
There's too many considerations to be made
But when you're ready?
Everything falls into place
like never before
I didn't know life could work like this
Step one, step two step three
Forward, onward
I feel this is universal
that if something is not meant to be
It won't be
Something has to be done first
Lessons learned
Love to give
But when it's time?
the heart opens
lets experiences in
because you're ready

Dear all the forces that be,

Dear God, Karma, and Universe,
I would just like to say "Thanks" for this opportunity to open up for me and advance so smoothly. It's like you saw my charitable donations, positivity, and heart and decided to open up my world. I've worked hard these past two years on myself in order to ready myself for this opportunity. I'm often asked how I stay positive, but the truth is, I work at it and I don't see any other choice of being. However, I would also like to thank you, God, for not labeling me as "negative" when I ran out of energy and could not put forth any positivity.  Thank you for rewarding me for working so hard to be a good person. I understand that as a person with a disability the trials I face are not  the worst ever, I realize that children suffer with illness, veterans suffer with injury, and many parts of the Earth struggle with Violence, yet you, God, understood that it was not perspective that I needed but change of circumstance to work to my optimal ability.
This is the beginning of great things.

I can't sit still

I can't sit still
I'm ready, waiting to break free
I know I'll be missed
I need to do this
I will be more independent with assistance than ever before
Free of thinking "How will I do it?"
 Thinking "When?"
Not having to try so hard to live with passion
just living not waiting
 Becoming who I am supposed to be