Help: The Living Definition

A boot company's box was presented to me on my birthday. I took it as a sign that I needed to switch up my wardrobe, however, something ever more magical that floated my sneaker-loving, poetry-writing , boat. I opened up the box and snugly between the tissue paper was an Ipad. At that moment, the words "help" and "love" were defined for me. I'm not a materialistic person, don't let the sneakers, hoodies, and fleeces fool you., as the ones I buy can be expensive. I am uncomfortable asking for high end, pricey gifts, and only asked my sister and brother -in law as a joke. I didn't expect it. Love means "Ok, you can't ever buy this yourself, and you struggle sometimes, and I feel for that, and so here is what you asked for for your birthday as a joke." And help means "Here is something so you don't have to carry your computer up and down the stairs. I know I don't usually spend this much on a birthday gift, but I want to help you be happy."
    I have a sister and a brother in-law  anyone would envy. They seek to better my life and understand my life. My sister never hesitates to get right down in there and help, rather than just talk about it. She taught me what love is. Thanks to my sister and brother -in- law I have found new hope. I love you guys so much!

A different definition of "Help"-Part 1

Last week, I came across a great blog post.  And I thought "Wow, that's my life story! I should write about it!" But a lot of the time, as I sit down to type at my computer, my mind goes blank, instead my blog posts pop in my head when I am in bed, or at work.  I know that when people say "Have you thought of this, What do you want to do with your life, Have you just been working at the store?" they mean to help motivate me. If only motivating me were that easy. By "they" I could be talking about my family, acquaintances, or longtime friends, or even customers. I  understand they are trying to help. But that's not help. It's giving advice on what I should do with my life and sometimes this advice tells me I am doing something wrong right now.
       Another tactic for "help" is asking someone for something and this person might just tell you to ask someone else. Only sometimes, due to the fact that people have their own lives to attend to, my parents work, and it's hard for me to ask for help because I know that the possible response might be a cheerful "I wish I could, but why don't you ask ___________," I have asked this person because there is no one else to ask. How embarrassing is that! I cannot talk about it, because the fact that a lot of the people in my life are busy gets confused with the question of whether they love me or not. Sure they do; love has nothing to do with it, I'm a swell gal, I have a sense of humor. Love is the easy part. Practical help right then and there and shifting obligations to help me isn't as easy and I get it. I don't know if it's known I get it, so I just don't ask for help at all, even if I am urged to, and I don't even talk of my need of help.
How to help me the most? I appreciate a ride to an appointment, work, or to do errands without complaint or without a comment that it is so nice that a person drives me places. If I ask someone to do something, it's easier if this person does it without telling me to ask someone else. Accept that I work at a grocery store with a master's degree for health and dental insurance. Thinking about it, help to me means accepting who I am and following my lead.
      

End of an era

I'm really proud of myself. I lasted three and one fourth years in braces. I didn't expect to feel different, but I do. It means an end of a chapter of being a preemie and having a brown tooth, and congenitally missing two teeth, avoiding the dentist for years, then going faithfully, and  then onto orthodontics, having two teeth pulled to relieve the crowding.
   Having been under the care of many doctors in my life, I have to say, my orthodontist is my favorite. He wanted me to be happy with myself. The first week with braces was the hardest; I had canker sores from my lip getting caught on the brackets, I didn't understand why I drooled so much, and my lower lip was huge. I wondered, did I make a mistake? Can I handle this? But I called him up, and he agreed to see me the next day to switch a few brackets to a smaller size, and also to cauterize my canker sores.   
      Movement of my teeth seemed noticeable, but a long process. Everyone says that braces aren't bad, and they aren't horrible, but I was uncomfortable. Eventually, I got used to the feel of them against my lips and inner cheeks, I learned how to talk over them and eat without biting directly into the fork instead of my food. I lived without gum, or corn on the cob, and cut up apples.
     And then suddenly, they were off, my teeth were polished, and I looked in the mirror, thinking that I would know, since I had the clear braces, what my teeth would look like. I looked in the mirror, and I cried. I cried like that show where they "move that bus," I cried like a winner in a game show. It wasn't all out sobbing, just tears of pride, relief, and joy. Growing up with cerebral palsy, you learn, or I have anyway, how to accept your flaws, to know who I am inside no matter what my gait looks like. But the fight seems easier now, as I know no child would point out my need for braces or wonder what those things were on my teeth. I felt an ease about myself. I have struggled with orthopedic alignment all my life, and it feels nice to know that my teeth are now where they are "supposed" to be, all the more confident about how beautiful I am inside.

Keep in mind

1. Not everyone has a cell phone, computer, or internet
2. Not everyone can drive
3. Not everyone has a GPS
4. Even if a person can drive, that doesn't mean he or she has a vehicle. 
5. Not everything that is easy for one person is easy for the next. For example, I might look like I should be able to crouch down, kneel, sit on the floor comfortably or cut in a straight line, but these things are not easy for me.
6. But that doesn't mean there aren't thousands of things I can do or am willing to try.
7. Being willing to try takes courage
8. Being willing to try takes patience

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A new mission

A shock, breaking my heart

I breathe in, and I say the news

And I knew he was in a better place,

And I even had a dream about it once

I need a way to spread the joy I found in our Friendship, yes with a capital "f"
The relationship was pure joy and deserved a capital letter

Everyone should be required to have  a "Gene " in their life.

I want to grab a pen and paper and scribble down anecdotes that I remember, and there were many

I want to sit at my computer for hours, finishing a novel, because he didn't

Don't label, Don't judge. If you are going to perform a task, act like it matters. Marvel. Be honest. Love. 

That was Gene.

Gifts

    In the interim between my internship and student teaching, about a semester's worth of time, I decided to go back to Stop and Shop, given that I needed money, and it was what I knew I could do. Sometimes I used to think about the fact that I had not "graduated" from Stop and Shop yet. Now I know better. If I had not returned to Stop and Shop in March of 2008, I would not have met  Gene at all. I wouldn't know that, while a person does not think I necessarily need to become a better person, I still would grow into a better person. Gene was out on Medical leave for about five months. I didn't want him to rush back if he was not ready, and I didn't think he would decide to come back. So, imagine my delight, when coming down the stairs I see one of my favorite people walking up the stairs to punch in. I screamed with joy and threw my arms around him, and he hugged me back. Normally, Gene and I didn't hug. We didn't need to. I believe I exclaimed "I didn't ever think that this would happen!"I was given another gift of a few more months of working with Gene. Now that he had been gone a while, I had time to compare the before with the after, and the relief I felt to work with him, not only because it was fun, but because when he was with me, I knew that he was okay, or at least okay enough to work.
  I am glad for God's gift of friendship between Gene and me, and the precious months that I worked with him when it would never happen again. Think of it, my friend. No more hospitals, no more struggle, no more sickness. I hope that wherever you are, you can see my trademark huge grin whenever you want to.
     It breaks my heart, but you have broken free of your life here on Earth. I love you.