2012: The year I both recognize myself as and stop being a tough girl

I am not a tough woman in the sense when "tough" equals "stoic." I feel emotions strongly, with difficulty hiding them. I cannot hide them, but I can control them. I'm sensitive, that's not a good thing or bad thing it's just myself. On the other hand, I am a strong woman. I've had surgery. I've had physical therapy. I've been analyzed and scrutinized and doubted. From the outside, you wouldn't know it. It's not something I advertise. Life with a disability is visible enough whether in my gait or when I am using my walker. Explaining my life is complicated; a simple "If/then" hypothesis does not apply.

That being said, even though I know myself well, and what I can and cannot control, it is confusing perhaps to customers where I work. It might look like I don't know what I'm doing. It might cause a person to question my experience or technique. These comments cause me to tense up, thinking "I need to get this person out of here now." Which might lead to more mistakes, causing more comments. If I were a tough person, in the conventional sense, I would act in accordance with what some have suggested said I should do, which is smile and tell the person to have a good day. But I'm not tough, I know too much now about myself to even pretend to be tough. I know I need to walk away when frustrated or upset. I know when I cannot work effectively and I need a break. I know when nothing I do will be deemed good enough by customers and since the customer may want me to have someone take over, I call someone over.

Here's the thing. I don't expect to be admired or put up on a pedestal for working and having CP. I don't expect every customer to be nice. I've learned the rules of working with the public; I know how people can be. There is nothing valuable that I can learn from a customer being rude to me.

But I want everyone to learn this: Please don't take your bad day out on a customer service person at a store. I'm not a therapist. I have enough problems of my own, which is obvious by the walker that I sit on. I want to get you out of the store as quickly as possible. If I scan something twice, I will quickly remove it. By the way, it's not because I don't know how to do my job, it's because I really shouldn't lift heavy things, but I did it because you obviously need to get out of here and I didn't want to slow down the process. And by the way, if you don't like how I scan things? Scan them yourself at the self-check out. Rudeness and intolerance has no place in my line. Keep those thoughts to yourself.

Christmas Shopping (or maybe not)

One of the greatest things about my friendship with Gene was that we understood one another, like a few years ago, when he agreed with me "Christmas has gotten out of hand." No one that I know needs anything for Christmas that will show him or her my love. Best of all, my love does not require batteries and cannot be lost underneath a couch.
         At the same time, I feel guilty that I don't have the urge to spoil my loved ones on Christmas. There is this expectation that I should relish a trip to the toy store to pick out gifts for my nieces and nephews, but I don't like crowds, and anything that I would want to give them is too expensive. I always feel a Christmas let down when I am excited about what I got for Christmas and someone else says "I got fancy electronic A, designer B, and cutting edge C." A few years ago, my dog needed knee surgery, so Christmas wasn't that eventful, and this year, she had ear surgery. Fine with me. Some people want a puppy for Christmas; I would rather have my eight year old lab mix be well.
     So what I decided to do in lieu of gifts this year is a sizable donation to a charity I have been meaning to donate to for some time. The minute I filled out that PayPal form and put in the amount, I felt hope fill my heart. The donation cannot cure the pain of the family that lost their son way too soon, but I hope to contribute to his memory.  I think of grieving people and people facing economic hard times especially this season. If I feel pressured to be happy and spend money, I can only imagine how others feel.

Danny Holt Memorial Fund




 

Help: The Living Definition

A boot company's box was presented to me on my birthday. I took it as a sign that I needed to switch up my wardrobe, however, something ever more magical that floated my sneaker-loving, poetry-writing , boat. I opened up the box and snugly between the tissue paper was an Ipad. At that moment, the words "help" and "love" were defined for me. I'm not a materialistic person, don't let the sneakers, hoodies, and fleeces fool you., as the ones I buy can be expensive. I am uncomfortable asking for high end, pricey gifts, and only asked my sister and brother -in law as a joke. I didn't expect it. Love means "Ok, you can't ever buy this yourself, and you struggle sometimes, and I feel for that, and so here is what you asked for for your birthday as a joke." And help means "Here is something so you don't have to carry your computer up and down the stairs. I know I don't usually spend this much on a birthday gift, but I want to help you be happy."
    I have a sister and a brother in-law  anyone would envy. They seek to better my life and understand my life. My sister never hesitates to get right down in there and help, rather than just talk about it. She taught me what love is. Thanks to my sister and brother -in- law I have found new hope. I love you guys so much!

A different definition of "Help"-Part 1

Last week, I came across a great blog post.  And I thought "Wow, that's my life story! I should write about it!" But a lot of the time, as I sit down to type at my computer, my mind goes blank, instead my blog posts pop in my head when I am in bed, or at work.  I know that when people say "Have you thought of this, What do you want to do with your life, Have you just been working at the store?" they mean to help motivate me. If only motivating me were that easy. By "they" I could be talking about my family, acquaintances, or longtime friends, or even customers. I  understand they are trying to help. But that's not help. It's giving advice on what I should do with my life and sometimes this advice tells me I am doing something wrong right now.
       Another tactic for "help" is asking someone for something and this person might just tell you to ask someone else. Only sometimes, due to the fact that people have their own lives to attend to, my parents work, and it's hard for me to ask for help because I know that the possible response might be a cheerful "I wish I could, but why don't you ask ___________," I have asked this person because there is no one else to ask. How embarrassing is that! I cannot talk about it, because the fact that a lot of the people in my life are busy gets confused with the question of whether they love me or not. Sure they do; love has nothing to do with it, I'm a swell gal, I have a sense of humor. Love is the easy part. Practical help right then and there and shifting obligations to help me isn't as easy and I get it. I don't know if it's known I get it, so I just don't ask for help at all, even if I am urged to, and I don't even talk of my need of help.
How to help me the most? I appreciate a ride to an appointment, work, or to do errands without complaint or without a comment that it is so nice that a person drives me places. If I ask someone to do something, it's easier if this person does it without telling me to ask someone else. Accept that I work at a grocery store with a master's degree for health and dental insurance. Thinking about it, help to me means accepting who I am and following my lead.
      

End of an era

I'm really proud of myself. I lasted three and one fourth years in braces. I didn't expect to feel different, but I do. It means an end of a chapter of being a preemie and having a brown tooth, and congenitally missing two teeth, avoiding the dentist for years, then going faithfully, and  then onto orthodontics, having two teeth pulled to relieve the crowding.
   Having been under the care of many doctors in my life, I have to say, my orthodontist is my favorite. He wanted me to be happy with myself. The first week with braces was the hardest; I had canker sores from my lip getting caught on the brackets, I didn't understand why I drooled so much, and my lower lip was huge. I wondered, did I make a mistake? Can I handle this? But I called him up, and he agreed to see me the next day to switch a few brackets to a smaller size, and also to cauterize my canker sores.   
      Movement of my teeth seemed noticeable, but a long process. Everyone says that braces aren't bad, and they aren't horrible, but I was uncomfortable. Eventually, I got used to the feel of them against my lips and inner cheeks, I learned how to talk over them and eat without biting directly into the fork instead of my food. I lived without gum, or corn on the cob, and cut up apples.
     And then suddenly, they were off, my teeth were polished, and I looked in the mirror, thinking that I would know, since I had the clear braces, what my teeth would look like. I looked in the mirror, and I cried. I cried like that show where they "move that bus," I cried like a winner in a game show. It wasn't all out sobbing, just tears of pride, relief, and joy. Growing up with cerebral palsy, you learn, or I have anyway, how to accept your flaws, to know who I am inside no matter what my gait looks like. But the fight seems easier now, as I know no child would point out my need for braces or wonder what those things were on my teeth. I felt an ease about myself. I have struggled with orthopedic alignment all my life, and it feels nice to know that my teeth are now where they are "supposed" to be, all the more confident about how beautiful I am inside.

Keep in mind

1. Not everyone has a cell phone, computer, or internet
2. Not everyone can drive
3. Not everyone has a GPS
4. Even if a person can drive, that doesn't mean he or she has a vehicle. 
5. Not everything that is easy for one person is easy for the next. For example, I might look like I should be able to crouch down, kneel, sit on the floor comfortably or cut in a straight line, but these things are not easy for me.
6. But that doesn't mean there aren't thousands of things I can do or am willing to try.
7. Being willing to try takes courage
8. Being willing to try takes patience

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